Today is the anniversary of my father's death. I can't believe it has been 8 years since I heard him laugh, listened to his funny excited noises while watching sports, watched him maneuver a toothpick like some sort of pro, or smelled his aftershave. I miss him.
I would have loved to have had the opportunity to introduce my dad to baby T. I wonder what he would have thought. Would he have had questions about adoption or about our openness to race? What would he have done when we arrived home with T? I would have loved to see my dad as a grandpa. He would have been excellent.
The days leading up to today have not been as difficult as usual. I am now somewhat distracted! I didn't even loathe Christmas shopping like usual. Having T in our lives does bring new perspective to me at this time of year. Slowly my experience of the holiday season is changing from grief filled to one seen through the eyes of a child. For this I am thankful.
I will never forget my dad and how my life changed significantly on this day years ago, but the grief continues to be reshaped as time marches on. And someday I will introduce T to my father, I will tell him stories of growing up with a great role model and a caring, loving dad. My prayer is that T grows up to be the kind of man my dad was.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
tee time
We have many friends who live far, far away who would love to be closer to see and experience baby T growing up. To help our friends and family who aren't able to pop by for regular visits feel included in our lives, I have set up a private blog where pictures of T will be posted.
Please send me an email at eyeswideopenmotherhood[at]gmail[dot]com or my personal email if you would like an invitation to view his blog. As long as I sort of "know" who you are, you'll be invited!
Please send me an email at eyeswideopenmotherhood[at]gmail[dot]com or my personal email if you would like an invitation to view his blog. As long as I sort of "know" who you are, you'll be invited!
Friday, December 11, 2009
out and about with baby T
It is a rare thing to find me at home. For most people to have a baby means becoming somewhat house bound. From day one with baby T we needed to be out and about. There was adoption paperwork, legal paperwork, a court appearance, passport application, plus the need for D and I to stay fed and watered. Because we were many miles away from home there was no support in the form of meals (that came later and boy was it appreciated!) or available arms to hold T when D and I desperately needed to nap.
However, the fact that we were on our own away from the comforts of home was also a blessing. We had no choice but to go out with a 3 day old. We quickly became accustomed to feeding in the back seat while stopped in a parking lot, to diaper changes in the lawyer's office, to using Harvey Karp's calming techniques in the aisles of Target.
Although...I do vividly remember our first real restaurant experience with T. We had scoped out a popular local place and without thinking (let's blame baby brain!) we went on a saturday evening. T was sleeping soundly in the car seat but we of course had to wait quite some time for a table. Once inside we were seated at a table beside a loud cooling fan for the kitchen. And unbeknown to us there was a live band...which was way too loud. I became extremely nervous. We had already waited so long for a table and now were sitting in less than ideal surroundings. D asked the waiter to turn down the fan and then we talked through our plan of action should T wake up (he was feeding every 1 1/2 - 2 hrs). We formulated a plan for every possible scenario which helped, but I was still wondering why we had been so stupid to try this restaurant on the weekend! D and I basically inhaled our food and high tailed it out of there as fast as we could. And of course, T slept through the entire event, completely unaware of all the drama. Our next restaurant experience that week was much less anxiety producing and by now we're old pros at it!
The 2 weeks we spent in the States contributed to our willingness and ability to go out with T and feel comfortable in most situations. But I think the reason why I am often vacant from home has less to do with comfort and more to do with my exploration of motherhood. I think I feel this need to be out in public, to have people witness me caring for T, to feel like a mom. I'm not trying to be attention seeking, this is totally different. When I'm out there are people thinking about me as a mom which causes me to think the same of myself. I want to be clear though that in no way do I want my role as mom to define who I am - I am so much more than that - but in this moment of time I need to feel it.
The irony found in that I currently need to be seen with a baby when just a few short months ago it was torturous to see moms and babies all around is not lost on me. Life is strange and difficult. I do continue to think of the women who are living the reality I lived this past year. But at the same time I have to care for myself and know and understand what I need. It's just interesting to me that traipsing T all over the countryside will play a significant role in my journey into motherhood.
However, the fact that we were on our own away from the comforts of home was also a blessing. We had no choice but to go out with a 3 day old. We quickly became accustomed to feeding in the back seat while stopped in a parking lot, to diaper changes in the lawyer's office, to using Harvey Karp's calming techniques in the aisles of Target.
Although...I do vividly remember our first real restaurant experience with T. We had scoped out a popular local place and without thinking (let's blame baby brain!) we went on a saturday evening. T was sleeping soundly in the car seat but we of course had to wait quite some time for a table. Once inside we were seated at a table beside a loud cooling fan for the kitchen. And unbeknown to us there was a live band...which was way too loud. I became extremely nervous. We had already waited so long for a table and now were sitting in less than ideal surroundings. D asked the waiter to turn down the fan and then we talked through our plan of action should T wake up (he was feeding every 1 1/2 - 2 hrs). We formulated a plan for every possible scenario which helped, but I was still wondering why we had been so stupid to try this restaurant on the weekend! D and I basically inhaled our food and high tailed it out of there as fast as we could. And of course, T slept through the entire event, completely unaware of all the drama. Our next restaurant experience that week was much less anxiety producing and by now we're old pros at it!
The 2 weeks we spent in the States contributed to our willingness and ability to go out with T and feel comfortable in most situations. But I think the reason why I am often vacant from home has less to do with comfort and more to do with my exploration of motherhood. I think I feel this need to be out in public, to have people witness me caring for T, to feel like a mom. I'm not trying to be attention seeking, this is totally different. When I'm out there are people thinking about me as a mom which causes me to think the same of myself. I want to be clear though that in no way do I want my role as mom to define who I am - I am so much more than that - but in this moment of time I need to feel it.
The irony found in that I currently need to be seen with a baby when just a few short months ago it was torturous to see moms and babies all around is not lost on me. Life is strange and difficult. I do continue to think of the women who are living the reality I lived this past year. But at the same time I have to care for myself and know and understand what I need. It's just interesting to me that traipsing T all over the countryside will play a significant role in my journey into motherhood.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
too funny
D goes to a local Healthy Baby group every Tuesday morning with baby T. We think it is both hilarious and great that he goes! Today at group T got his first "marriage proposal" of sorts. One of the moms commented on how cute he is (let's face it, he's quite the gerber baby!) and that perhaps an arranged marriage with her daughter could be planned! Ha ha! Too funny!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
yummy
My sister and I made these super yummy chocolate sugar cookies for a Christmas family gathering today. These are my ABC* cookie cutters that I received from a dear friend of mine.*Already Been Chewed...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
baby t is an "other"
Yesterday I filled out a form to add T to my work insurance plan. I needed to complete the section titled "addition of dependent spouse and/or child." These were my options...
Legal spouse
Common law spouse
Natural son
Natural daughter
Other
Mmmm....
I was less than impressed with these options. I understand what they mean and given the common occurrence of blended families today they couldn't possibly include all potential categories (for lack of a better word). However, I would have preferred the word biological versus natural. Is T unnatural? And there must be a better way to format this form.
Why does it matter anyway to my employer whether or not my spouse is legal or common law? If my son entered our family through biology or adoption? A spouse should be a spouse and a child a child. Either way I need to show documentation that I have a dependent and my coverage doesn't change depending on how my child entered my family. (For that matter, what difference does it make if the child is male or female?).
Checking off the "other" box contributes to my feelings that I haven't earned motherhood. That I'm not a "real" mom. Thanks, Blue Cross, for your help in this.
Oh, and I will be writing them a letter. I've already got the name of the person to send it too. I can work for change...one form at a time!
Legal spouse
Common law spouse
Natural son
Natural daughter
Other
Mmmm....
I was less than impressed with these options. I understand what they mean and given the common occurrence of blended families today they couldn't possibly include all potential categories (for lack of a better word). However, I would have preferred the word biological versus natural. Is T unnatural? And there must be a better way to format this form.
Why does it matter anyway to my employer whether or not my spouse is legal or common law? If my son entered our family through biology or adoption? A spouse should be a spouse and a child a child. Either way I need to show documentation that I have a dependent and my coverage doesn't change depending on how my child entered my family. (For that matter, what difference does it make if the child is male or female?).
Checking off the "other" box contributes to my feelings that I haven't earned motherhood. That I'm not a "real" mom. Thanks, Blue Cross, for your help in this.
Oh, and I will be writing them a letter. I've already got the name of the person to send it too. I can work for change...one form at a time!
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