eyes wide open: my journey into motherhood

i thought you couldn't get pregnant...

2012-01-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

This is another statement to which I must respond. Definitely more than a handful of people have made this comment upon discovering my pregnancy.

My sense is that this is a curious inquiry. People are wondering what my fertility story is. Of course one would assume that I am infertile upon meeting my son...but now that I'm pregnant that assumption isn't as secure. So they thought they once knew how to categorize my family, but now they're not so sure.

I do know of people who have chosen to start their families through adoption and then add biological children -- this is not a large demographic but it does exist. So perhaps people now wonder if this is my story.

Regardless, my fertility story is my own to share with whom and when I want. And it shouldn't matter to anyone how my family came to be. But for some reason, those around me feel it is necessary to ask questions such as this.

And, like other comments, this sort of invalidates the adoption process in my life. Because if I could in fact get pregnant, then why did I adopt a child instead of having a bio child first. Let's just make all the comments we can that erase the intentional process of how my family started. And then let's find more comments that cause me to explain my bodily functions and justify why my family began with adoption. For pete's sake. It. Does. Not. Matter.

Anyway, I still need to respond to these interesting inquiries. Would love to say something witty and perhaps sarcastic with a touch of humor....but alas, that is not a gift of mine. If you have any thoughts as to a response please message me, I could use some help!

a swollen heart

2012-01-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

I have had many opportunities during this holiday season to sit back and observe my son.

I have watched him be silly, laugh, give hugs and kisses, be sweet, share, build, and deconstruct. It has been a good holiday season for our little family.

As my heart was swelling with the intense love I have for this child, I was very struck by the fact that I am so privileged and honoured to be able to parent this remarkable little boy. God weaved our lives and J's together, and the result was that we became T's forever family. But as much as I can't imagine my life without T, I'm aware that life could have turned out differently for all of us.

All the choices we had to make when starting the adoption process --- to adopt in the first place, which agency, location, age, etc. all played a role in God's weaving process. And of course, all the huge decisions J had to make regarding her son and the future.

The idea that a stranger has entrusted their child to you is a mind blowing thing. Something that you never take lightly and will always be a part of you.

My heart is so full of love for this little boy. A love that is hard to articulate to others who haven't walked a similar journey. It is a love that transcends biology and genetics, a love that always recognizes the honour, privilege, and blessing. And a love that remembers the journey of all triad members.

My heart is swollen.

reflecting on my road from infertility to adoption

2011-12-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

I've recently been in contact with a woman who has walked the road of infertility and is now gathering information related to adoption. It's been interesting chatting/emailing with her. I can hear the desperation and anguish in her words. How her plan to start a family has become a very dark place.

This made me reflect on my own journey from infertility into the adoption world. I have a different story.

I was very familiar with adoptive families and had walked friends through the process from beginning to end. Due to our exposure of infertility and adoption we never took the idea of starting a family forgranted. And were very aware that our story may also end up on the same path.

We had decided that if biological children weren't in our future then we would direct our energy into adoption. This wasn't a very difficult decision for us. The more difficult piece was deciding if we were ready to become a transracial family.

So after the referral to the fertility clinic, all the tests, the news that the cause of our infertility was "unknown", and that after the last procedure we had a six month window to most likely get pregnant, I was frustrated. I didn't want to "try" for another six months. I didn't want to have to make decisions based on an "unknown" diagnosis. I would have rather heard that there was absolutely no way we would ever, ever become pregnant, and then I would have marched right into the office of the closest adoption agency. I was ready to move on. To be in control again.

In the end, we did follow the doctor's advice and after five months started the adoption process. I felt free. Free to be rid of the past, the testing, the counting, the temperature taking. Free to look forward and plan for the future. I was still desperate to have a child but not in an anguished sort of way.

I feel blessed to have known so many people who formed their families through adoption and to have participated in a few of those journey's. The day we decided to 100% pursue adoption was a good day, and I am thankful for that.

i've got your back

2011-12-15T17:52:00.000-08:00

In my professional life I've come across many women who for either religious, cultural, personal, or reasons otherwise, have concealed their pregnancies. Sometimes for a long time.

I was only able to make it to 16 weeks before I needed to make the news public. I would have gone longer if I could have.

For me, concealing my pregnancy was a form of self-preservation. When telling those closest to me, I was able to explain where my head was at, how I was shocked beyond belief, and in a place of sadness. These friends listened, didn't offer platitudes. That was what I needed. To tell everyone meant opening myself up to comments and questions that I wasn't ready to receive.

Due to my tilted uterus I started showing very quickly -- far too quick for my liking. And once the news was public, I had no control over what was said by others and how it was said. This was still so early in my time of processing -- I was barely coming out of denial and the reaction of others to my pregnancy really impacted me.

As a result, I have walked into situations and immediately become overwhelmed with over-the-top excitement about this pregnancy. And when I react in a less than positive way people don't know what to do. When they heard the news, they didn't also hear the rest of our story.

I have a friend who is repeatedly approached by others with "the big question." She has told me that she's "got my back." When she discloses that, yes, I am indeed pregnant and hears the responses I have heard many times over, she tempers their excitement. She will explain to others how "oh, she just needed to adopt to get pregnant" and "now she'll have one of her own" are perhaps not the best things to say to me.

I am so thankful for this person in my life. A woman who has not walked the road of infertility, adoption, or an unplanned pregnancy, but who has tried to understand and empathize with each part of my story. She has done well.

I can't even explain the comfort felt after hearing the words...."I've got your back...."

So, thank you my dear friend. Thank you for listening and hearing. And for understanding and sharing.

the infertility awareness project

2011-12-09T19:36:00.000-08:00

A friend going through infertility recently sent me this excellent video Tears and Hope: the infertility awareness project.

Please watch and remember.

is it a gender thing?

2011-12-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm a part of a wonderful group of women that meet monthly to discuss books. But we're not like your average book club. All the women in this club are transracial adoptive moms and the books we read/discuss are all related to transracial adoption.

Our group is called ROOTS meaning belonging; the core; and to grow...which describes us as transracial adoptive parents and our kids as transracial adoptees.

We've just started reading through an excellent book called In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Own Stories. This book is a collection of interviews completed with transracial adoptees now in their 20's. A book I would definitely recommend.

We started at the beginning and read through 4 interviews with female adoptees and had lots to discuss regarding their stories. The next month we read through 4 male interviews and found that there was little to say. The stories shared by the women were in-depth and included a lot of emotional issues as well as difficulties finding their way in the black world after having lived in a white home. Whereas the men were more straight forward, stated things just as they were, and seemed to have little need to make adoption or the transracial piece of adoption into a big deal.

This made our group wonder...is it a gender thing?

I don't want to make sweeping statements. Especially considering that I've read books written by other male transracial adoptees which included a lot of emotion, introspection, and difficulty.

It's just an interesting observation and worth pondering as a mom who has adopted transracially.

all you needed was...

2011-12-01T12:37:00.000-08:00

To relax.

To adopt.

To be happy.

To wait for the right timing.

Then...and only then...

Would you become pregnant.

And have one of your OWN.

Do people really believe this stuff? From the related comments I get, I would think so.

I've become one of the few. One of the ~ 3% of women who are infertile, who then form a family through adoption, and then get pregnant. A statistic.

Everyone has a similar story. Everyone apparently knows someone who has adopted and then become pregnant. At least that is what it feels like to me because I hear all those stories.

Here's the newsflash -- what you don't hear are all the stories of women who adopt a child and do not become pregnant. There are many of them.

What people don't realize, is that by telling me that all I needed to do to get pregnant was to adopt a child, they have completely invalidated my experience with infertility and the adoption journey...as well as the beautiful child in my life. It is the pregnancy that is celebrated above all else. The "normal" and "regular" way to have a family. It's almost like people are inferring why did I bother forming a family through adoption if I was going to get pregnant years later anyway? I guess my 8 year ago self didn't have that sort of insight.

It is also difficult for people to understand that after walking the road of infertility and adoption, not everyone needs that pregnancy experience to feel complete. I had resolved that desire years and years ago.

And nothing hurts more then people telling me that now I'll have one of my own.

T is my own. Plain and simple.

So if you know me, and you know other women struggling with infertility or in the adoption process, please don't use me as a statistic. My story is still my own to shape and mold and the other women don't really want to hear it.

open adoption interview project 2011

2011-11-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

I participated in the Open Adoption Interview Project in 2010 and signed up once again this year. It's such a great way to get to know a new blog...and hopefully a bit about the person behind the blog! Our stories are all unique but there is a thread of similarity that binds us all together. To check out the other interviews, click here.

This year I was paired with Kelly From Empty Womb to Overflowing Heart.... She recently started blogging this year so I was fortunate enough to be able to read through her story from beginning to now. What becomes immediately apparent while poking around Kelly's blog is her intense love for her daughter, faith, and life. After years of infertility, a devastating failed first placement, and a trial with infertility treatments, Kelly and her husband finally met their beautiful daughter in August 2010. Kelly blogs about her life as a mom and their fully open adoption with Lovebug's birthfamily. Go check out her blog and say "hi!".

You can read Kelly's interview with me here.

Here is my interview with Kelly:

1. You mention in a post (can't find it now!) that you weren't sure yet how to refer to Lovebug's biological family. I'm wondering where you stand on that now. What words have you decided to use? Are they different from what you use with Lovebug?

That was a real struggle for me. I just felt like, of all the options out there, none of them captured C's importance in Lovebugs life. So, after writing that post I emailed Lovebugs birthmom to get her input on it. I just asked her point blank "what would you like to be called? Birthmom? First mom? MamaC? Other mom? Her response was that she thought just being called her first name was great and that birthmom worked for her. After we talked about it, and I knew that *she* felt comfortable with being called ny her name and referred to as birthmom I felt much more at ease with that choice. After all, because we're in an open adoption Lovebug wont learn C's importance in her life from her name or title, but rather the relationship they have.

2. Reading through your blog it is apparent that you bonded with Lovebug quite quickly. Was there any part of becoming a mom through adoption that you struggled/are struggling with?

In the beginning I really struggled with feeling grief for C. I grieved a tiny bit (or a lot) at every new milestone wishing that she could have shared that moment with us. Over time, that feeling of grief has lessened though I'm not sure it will every been completely gone.

The one part of becoming a mom through adoption that has been an ongoing struggle is frequently having my motherhood challenged and questioned by outsiders. Sometimes it's as simple as a well meaning person at the grocery store asking "what happened to her real mom?" or other more blatant comments that just let you know that outsiders don't really get it and probably never will. Sometimes it's hard to know that in some eyes I will never just be Lovebugs mom.

3. You've briefly mentioned Lovebug's heritage as half Filipino. I'm wondering how you do and will work at your status as a transracial family? And how do you experience life as an adoptive transracial family living in the US?

It's really important to us that Lovebug celebrate her Filipino heritage, as well as the rest of her heritage, because it's a large part of who she is and she can physically identify with it. As she's getting older I'm learning more and more about the Philippines, a country I started out knowing very little about. We plan to integrate it into school projects, holidays and special occasions.

Our experience have been mostly great so far. I mean, there are definitely those nosy people as mentioned before that make things weird, but even with that I can say that we have never experienced negative comments about our transracial adoption. One of the more annoying comments is "where did you get her?" Sometimes I want to say "Walmart. Haven't you seen the new baby section?" It's just irritating because people assume because she not white that she must be from another country. Nope! Believe it or not, there are Filipino Americans here in the US!

4. In the Rachel post you describe infertility as in the past however, in the post Why Hello Old Friend and See Ya Later, difficult feelings associated with infertility rear their ugly head. Do you feel that your story of infertility will always be a part of you and how? Do you think that issues still related to infertility will continue to pop up throughout life? Do you find it uncomfortable to acknowledge the difficult feelings related to infertility? If yes, how have you dealt with this in the past and will in the future? If no, how have you figured it out!!

Well, infertility forever changed me. So in some ways, yes, it will always be a part of me. But, I don't think it will forever rear it's ugly head and it's certainly not a prominent part of me anymore. Right now were still in the thick of building our family so naturally it comes up. But, I don't view my IF the same way as I used to. In the first post I was writing about Rachel and her undying desire to be a mom. When I look back at that side of me, it's gone because at last I am a mom! That infertile Kelly felt as if infertility was holding her children hostage. I didn't know if I would ever be a mom. But, she's gone. That infertile Kelly groans no more because I somehow got picked to be the mom of the most amazing little girl on the planet! The second post was more a whine fest about the injustices of infertility. I know we'll have more kids and I will love them more than life itself and will go to the ends of the earth to get them, but sometimes this infertile Kelly wishes it was just as easy as "hey, wanna have another baby? Wam, bam, heres a baby ma'am!" The other side of infertility that sticks out in my mind is the feeling that my body betrayed me and sometimes feeling less of a women because my body didn't do what it's essentially made to do. I don't know when those feelings go away.

I don't find it hard to acknowledge my difficult feelings on infertility. Infertility is hard and painful and just plain sucks. And like I just said, it touches more levels than just the obvious not being able to conceive. What I find difficult is articulating my feelings at times because sometimes they're too complex to put in words.

5. I love your story of open adoption. Where do you get support and learn how to continue on in this relationship with Lovebug's first family?

I have found an amazing community of other parents in open adoptions. I cannot tell you how invaluable they have been to me. Some are people I know IRL and some are people I have only met online. ALL of them are amazing parents and have become such great friends and support systems! Also, our agency Bethany Christian Services is amazing at creating a community within their families by creating community pages, having play groups and annual events. They've really just been awesome!

6. After completing Lovebug's adoption, how will you approach your second adoption? Any changes? Any new insights or cautions?

I'm hoping the process will be more relaxed this time, honestly. Last time we were so nervous and anxious to the point where we couldn't enjoy some aspect of it and I'm hoping that wont be the case again. I don't know that there will be any changes. Just more maturity in the process and more insight into both sides of the coin. I'm praying that insight will be helpful to us if we experience another failed adoption. Less pain and more understanding for the situation.

7. How have you managed to acknowledge the loss side of adoption while still living in the joy?

It's a hard balance at times and was especially hard when Lovebug was first born. But, I've come to realize that acknowledging the loss side of adoption doesn't take away from the joy of adoption. In any adoption there is a loss before the joy. C experienced/experiences a great loss that has been hard at times to deal with. But, we do our best to be in prayer for her and be here for her if and when she needs us. Being understanding that at times things are more difficult for her than other times. Philippians 2:3 says "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself" and Matthew 7:12 says "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets". These are our "Open Adoption verses". To acknowledge that we're all on equal plane, none batter than the other, all loved by God and to treat each other as we wish to be treated. There are times where there's great loss and great joy, but if we keep the other person in mind and treat them as we wish to be treated in all circumstances we feel we can be a great support to each other.

Lovebug has also experienced loss and although we have not yet dealt with her loss when the time comes we will help her through it by being open and understanding about her feelings. I don't ever want her to feel like she can't express the way she's feeling. Whether those feelings are joyful or sorrowful. We want her to know it's ok to feel the loss of her birthfamily. We're a family and we'll be here for her no matter what!

I think by excepting that there is loss head on and not being ashamed of it or scared of it you just make way for the joy to come in!

8. How have been accepted with other mom's that joined the mommy club the biological way?

For the most part it's been awesome! I really have great friends and family. Sometimes I think I'm my worst enemy in this regard, assuming that other moms will judge me and then they don't. I have only had a few situations where I felt as if the other mom was looking down on the way I became a mom... again with the *real* mom comments. But, those encounters have been few and far between in the playgroup/mom world for me!

paradigm shift

2011-11-16T18:28:00.000-08:00

The day had come. I could no longer fit into my pants and the hair elastic I was using to keep them from falling down just wasn't cutting it.

It was time to go shopping for maternity clothes.

So one Saturday afternoon I pulled myself together and went to the mall. First I grabbed a Boo.ster Juice, then went in to Chap.ter's to check the sale rack, headed to a few kids clothing stores to check out the new stock, and perused the shoe stores. I was stalling.

I finally dragged myself to the prominent maternity store in the mall and started looking. I was immediately approached my a sales clerk who ended up being a huge help. I think I must have tried on at least 12 pairs of jeans that day. I purchased a few sweaters and a really nice pair of jeans and left. All the while with an odd unexplainable feeling in my gut.

It was later as I replayed that day over in my mind that I realized part of why it was difficult for me to even walk into the store. This was a paradigm shift for me. An identity crises of sorts.

So many years ago I would have loved the opportunity to shop for maternity clothes. So many years ago I longed for that experience as then I would have what I most desired...a child. But I am not the same person I was all those years ago. Much has happened since then.

While going through infertility and the adoption process, the maternity stores and most everything else pregnancy/baby related became something very negative. Something to remind me (mock me) of what I didn't know if I would ever have. It wasn't the pregnancy piece that I so desired, it was a baby. And since pregnancy was the conduit to a baby, all things pregnancy related became bad news. This was my reality and my life. I was not going to get pregnant which was totally fine with me, what was not fine, was not having a family.

The day that I walked into the maternity store was the day I realized that I was now a part of a club that I had struggled with for so many years. A club all about "the labour story", the relatively "easy" way to have a family...and the more accepted, "real" way to bring a child into your home. I had reconciled in myself so many years ago that I would never be a part of that club. And as the adoption proceeded, and now that T is home, it's a club that I didn't need or want any longer. My family came together in an unconventional way and we continue to live an unconventional life as a transracial family. This is who I was and who I understood. I don't understand pregnancy and the "regular" way to have a child.

As a pregnant woman, I am now that woman. The one I would avoid. The one I envied.

A few months ago I had a conversation with a woman going through infertility and she asked me how I dealt with everyone around me being pregnant. I chatted honestly with her about my story. Inside my heart hurt. I knew that sooner rather than later I would need to disclose to her that I had become that woman to deal with. I felt like a traitor.

I know that the difference between myself and the regular pregnant woman, is that I own the story of infertility and adoption. Becoming pregnant does not erase that experience. I'm just struggling with how to understand and fit into my new reality.

crayola's gone multi-cultural

2011-11-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

I need to share this post from Heather at Production Not Reproduction about crayola multicultural markers and crayons.

How cool are these??!! I must find them!

prime

2011-11-10T11:52:00.000-08:00

Gravida/para/abortus (GPA), or sometimes just gravida/para (GP), is a shorthand medical notation for a woman's obstetric history.

Gravida indicates the number of times the woman has been pregnant, regardless of whether these pregnancies were carried to term. A current pregnancy, if any, is included in this count.
Para indicates the number of viable (>20 wks) births. Pregnancies consisting of multiples, such as twins or triplets, count as one birth for the purpose of this notation.
Abortus is the number of pregnancies that were lost for any reason, including induced abortions or miscarriages. The abortus term is sometimes dropped when no pregnancies have been lost.

Another medical term often used to describe a first pregnancy is Prime.

I am considered Prime.

Within the Gravida/Para notation there is no designation for adopted children, so there is no way of new medical personnel that I come across to know that I am not a first time mom.

Because I was in the process of receiving vaccinations for my anticipated trip to Africa, and because I can never ever remember when my last period was (spent way too many years keeping track), I have seen many medical personnel related to this pregnancy.

Each time I walk into a new medical office I am greeted with the words, "Oh, this is your first baby!", to which I reply every time, "No, I have a 2 year old son at home through adoption." (I can't just say I have a 2 year old at home given the many different ways families are blended today). Because adoption usually follows an experience with infertility, the usual response from medical staff is "You must be SO excited about being pregnant!!"

The Gravida/Para designation indicates that I have never been pregnant and this will be my first birth experience which is important for all medical staff to know. I get that.

But every time I need to distinguish the way my son entered my family and hear the overflowing joy related to pregnancy, a joy that many did not express after hearing the news we were adopting, I am reminded that much of the world thinks that adoption is second best and that pregnancy is worth celebrating.

everything happens for a reason - repost

2011-11-08T20:45:00.000-08:00

As people are discovering our pregnancy news we have once again been recipients of the "everything happens for a reason" comment. This is a re-post from summer 2009. The original post below was written by a friend who gave me permission to share. It's a good post, worth reading, and thinking through with depth.

Everything happens for a reason.

Really?

AIDS infected Africa, the killing fields of Cambodia, ethnic cleansing in Rwanda and Darfur, cancer, chronic illness, miscarriage, depression, car crashes, schizophrenia, sexual/physical/emotional abuse, the list is endless. It seems utterly ridiculous to me to suggest that behind each of these there would be a reason for their happening, especially a reason that justfies the gravity of the tragedy experienced. It begs the question of whether or not there is always cosmic purpose driving seemingly senseless circumstances.

The God I serve made a good creation. Evil enters the scene apart from God, with disobedience on the part of Adam and Eve who responded to the tempting of the serpent. Within the pages of Scripture it does not suggest that God prompted the serpent to test his creatures so that they could be strengthened in their resolve to God. He did not, according to Scripture, have a part in the act of defiance - apart from previously setting the Tree as off limits. Yes, he did make that tree in the garden, the one that Adam and Eve were to avoid - in essence, he created the opportunity for evil to pervade his creation. Why did he do it? Could he just not have bothered with the fated Tree altogether? It would be lovely, but God gave Adam and Eve free will and in order to give them the opportunity to express their free will it was necessary for them to face a moral dilemma in which they had to choose. In the choosing against God, Adam and Eve disrupted the created order...the good order...and invited into the human experience an array of ills. I firmly believe that the chaos we experience today is not related directly to God's purposing, but instead to this defiant act of our ancestors.

When everything happens for a reason is spouted, it implies then that God is behind everything. If that were true it would seem likely that he would have chosen to intervene in the whole Tree fiasco in the first place. It implies that the free will God gave us isn't very free. It would suggest that we are more like pawns than people with the power to choose. It implies that the horrific ills that plague us are ordained at the prompting of God. I am confident that God is present in everything, that even in the darkest of times and in the midst of the most vile acts that the Lord is present. But his presence doesn't imply his purpose.

Forgive me for getting riled up at the mention of these five simple words, but this seemingly innocent statement carries deep theological implications and I will not for a moment join in and agree with any ounce of my being that the good God I serve is the driving force behind suffering.

The death of a young mother, hungry and orphaned children combing dirty streets, broken families, empty arms and aching hearts - I don't think they're purposed. Redeemed? Definitely. Opportunities to experience the Lord's nearness in a way that might not have happened otherwise? For sure. God is in the business of redeeming and restoring. In clothing Adam and Eve as he sent them out of Eden he shows that he is still caring for them. There is a rupture in relationship, but he is present in their circumstance and is working within it. I think he works within the ruptures that sin has brought into the created order today, too.

So before everything happens for a reason slips out of your lips, I offer you an alternative. It's shorter, simpler, and far more catchy. And I think that it's a much more theologically sound alternative that leaves the character of God intact.

Ready?

Shit happens.

AMEN.

My purpose for reposting this excellent discourse was not to imply that my current situation equates shit happening in life. I, along with many others, simply find no solace in those 5 words and feel that they have no theological basis. My unplanned and very unexpected pregnancy is not purposed, but God is definitely present and He is working within us and our family.

stages of grief

2011-11-07T19:06:00.000-08:00

When I was in University I took a course called "Death and Dying". It was an elective within my department and turned out to be an excellent course. We mostly studied the Kubler-Ross model and the Five Stages of Grief.

Fast forward 17 odd years and I have become quite familiar and comfortable with the stages of grief. Infertility was a grief experience, adoption was a grief experience, and I am currently knee deep within the stages once again.

The five stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. According to Kubler-Ross the stages aren't linear and not everyone experiences all the stages. I'm pretty sure that the first stage is bang on, as during all my major grief experiences denial has often been part of the beginning while moving through to acceptance, or as I prefer to call it...healing.

After discovering that I was pregnant, I lived in denial for quite some time. Denial is powerful and it definitely serves a purpose. My head and heart weren't ready to even acknowledge what those two lines on the pregnancy test meant. Since I have walked this road before -- the grief road, not the pregnancy road -- I knew that denial was okay and I was okay to sit in this stage. I also knew that it's fairly easy to stay in the denial stage for a great deal of time which isn't always healthly. Since I had limited time to process this new information (ie. 8 months!) I was aware that I couldn't stay in denial for long. So I gave myself a time limit.

At 12 weeks gestation I had an ultrasound scheduled as part of the routine checking for fetal abnormalities. I knew the date two months ahead of time so that was the date I gave myself to start looking outside the box I was hiding in. During those months I could barely utter the words "pregnant" and "baby" to myself or close friends. D and I didn't speak about the pregnancy -- we were (and still are) on the same page and didn't need to voice anything during that time. And heaven forbid should someone mention where the new baby room would be or anything else that meant I needed to acknowledge my future.

What kept pushing me out of denial during those months was the fact that I was super nauseous 24/7 and generally felt terrible. Plus, I had a trip to Africa planned that was to start while still in my first trimester and couldn't take the anti-malaria pills, so I needed to make some hard decisions.

It was a difficult time. One filled with many tears and sleepless nights. Plus a ton of reading novels to distract my mind! One of the best things a counselor told me after my dad died was to "feel what you feel when you feel it." I have taken that advice to heart numerous times and absolutely will not let anyone tell me how to feel or feel guilt for not feeling how others think I should. I have sat in the sadness, the anger, and the questioning at other times and will continue to do so.

Both D and I have moved out of denial. We're working at processing our grief. Grief of what we had hoped and planned for our future.

I don't doubt that we will continue to march through the stages to healing and acceptance. But in the meantime we will feel what we feel when we feel it.

rewind three months...

2011-10-26T14:28:00.000-07:00

Three months ago life could not have seemed to get any better. We were in the middle of the best summer, weather wise, in years, T was on his way to turning the big 2 and loving life, D was investigating a new job potential that would be great for him and our family, and I was secure in my role as mommy and loving every minute of my job.

There was no talk about having more kids. We had that talk eons ago. Another adoption was out of the question due to finances and we had no desire to pursue further infertility treatments. We were done.

When D and I got married 15 years (!) ago we had talked about what we dreamed for our family. I had always wanted two kids and D wanted three. Fast forward to infertility and an extremely difficult adoption experience and our expectations for life and family completely changed.

When I was at my lowest during the adoption I was completely convinced that I would never become a mother. Then after T came into my life my heart became full in a way that I had never experienced before. I didn't feel any desire or need to have more children in my family. I was now a mom to an amazing little boy and didn't need any more than that. T entering my life was such a significant experience that I didn't want to share that love and joy with another child.

People have often asked me if we were going to have more kids or start the adoption process again and my answer was always, "nope, my heart is full." There is complete truth in that statement. Every part of me was okay being a family of three and actually loving it. Having only one child has quite a few benefits -- it's easier to find babysitting, he's outnumbered, both D and I still have a sense of independence and are able to find time for ourselves, it's less financially straining, we're able to plan trips and outings easily, and we still participate in all the joys that parenthood provides.

Now fast forward three months and life is nothing like I thought it would be. I am 16 weeks pregnant and in the process of grieving what I was planning for my future.

In the end getting pregnant is really our own fault. I know about all the birth control options...we talk about them at every Healthy Baby group a nurse and I facilitate. But when you've never been pregnant, birth control really seems like a silly thing to think about. We were planning to make our family of three a for-sure permanent thing. D had already been to the pre-appointment for a vasectomy and just needed to book that actual appointment.

And then life took a twisted turn...

the big reveal

2011-10-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

Never...ever...did I think I would need to tell the world that I am pregnant.

This was very (very very) unexpected news and very unplanned. D was about a month away from a vasectomy. A vasectomy that we have talked about for the past year.

Needless to say, I am shocked and in a very different place than I was 5 years ago when I hoped to see two pink lines on a pregnancy test.

My journey into motherhood continues.

i'm back

2011-10-23T13:37:00.000-07:00

I took a long break. I didn't have much to say....just trying to stay afloat with my two year old!

I now have something to talk about, so it's back to blogging for me.

I know I've lost my readers but that's okay with me. This place is a venue for me to get out my emotions on all things motherhood related, and a place for me to process what's happening in life. Essentially this space is for me. If others happen to stumble this way and glean from my process then that's bonus.

So stay tuned.....I have an announcement to make....and it's not what you're thinking...

confession friday - stalker version

2011-04-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

I confess that I have been stalker-ish.

T and I attend a lovely play group. I'll usually go with a friend so we can chat while the kids are running crazy. All of the mom's at this group were strangers to me and it's a big group - it's open 4 days a week.

The play group is held in the sanctuary of our new church. They move all the chairs and set out amazing and wonderful toys. It is here that I chatted with a volunteer mom about their church and after that discussion D and I have been attending ever since. During that initial discussion I was told of a family that also attends the church with a black mom, white dad, and 2 biracial kids....and then she showed up at the play group later.

I have been stalking her ever since!

Let me explain.

She is lovely and her son appeared to be T's age so I have noticed her at church and play group. I've tried to encourage T's playing in the direction of where her son is but those of you who know my son, know that getting him to play in one spot is impossible. Then one day at the end of play group she was standing by the door, I said "bye" and she said "see you on Sunday." I was shocked. She had noticed me! So I stopped and we chatted for a bit and I found out that her son is 3 weeks younger then T. Perfect!

At church I have also exhibited stalker-ish behaviours as I'm the one bringing T back to kids church and I make sure I bump into every black mom that is doing the same. Pathetic I know.

I've chatted with the mom first met at play group a few times during church now. We even met up at play group together on purpose and chatted for awhile. And last Sunday after church she extended a future invitation to their house for lunch.

I joke about the stalker thing but there is some truth in that statement. If D and I are truly going to meet new families of color to invest in and hopefully have invest in us then we need to be intentional. This means going out of our way and comfortable bubble to meet people. Not all will develop into relationships with meaning but I hope some will.

I do have a very good feeling about the family from church that we have met. And I really hope that we can develop a friendship.

And maybe someday I'll tell her about how I stalked her...

a girl like me - race matters

2011-03-27T18:42:00.000-07:00

A powerful video. My heart broke at the end of the "doll test" from the 1940's. There is much work to be done.

i'm a bad OA roundtable blogger

2011-03-16T14:17:00.000-07:00

Heather from Production Not Reproduction sent out an email notice regarding a new Open Adoption Roundtable topic.

This time the topic was: How have you seen open adoption portrayed on television? What did you think? What, if anything, would you like to see? Read more here.

We don't have a TV. An intentional decision made after T joined our lives. D and I have a beautiful iMac with a screen bigger than our TV so we download shows and watch only what we want to watch. Therefore I am not privy to general TV viewing --- and actually am really out of touch with world issues! Also, we only subscribed to basic cable which meant that we weren't able to watch any of the special channels where one would be exposed to some of the adoption related shows I've heard of. So no contribution to the roundtable from me.

Previous OA Roundtable topics that I've missed are:

"Open adoption is about information sharing." Share your reaction to that statement. How well does it match up with your experience of open adoption? If you disagree, how would you finish the phrase, "Open adoption is about..."? Read more here.

Write about siblings and open adoption. Read more here.

How do open adoption and holiday traditions intersect in your life? Read more here.

One year ago many of us answered the question, "How will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?" If you participated in the January 2010 discussion, revisit your post and give us the one-year-later update. Read more here.

I've been hesitant to participate in further OA Roundtable topics because let's face it...we do not have an open adoption. Ours was always semi-open and now since J put a hold on her file at the agency we have no contact what so ever. And yet, I'm having a hard time changing my "about me" profile. My hope and desire for the future is openness but perhaps I need to come down from that cloud and be more honest with myself about what this adoption currently looks like.

i always wanted to...

2011-03-14T19:17:00.000-07:00

What do I say when someone with biological kids says to me..."I always wanted to adopt."

My brain still measures slight shock at this statement and my mouth never seems to form the right words to respond. I just haven't the foggiest idea of what to say.

The way this statement is said it implies..."I always wanted to cut my hair short." "I always wanted to get one of those bags." "I always wanted to go there on vacation." Although the implication is present, I assume the user of such language when referring to adoption doesn't mean to suggest that our child is an accessory, which is why I am having such a hard time figuring out how to respond.

When D and I thought about planning a family we did not think about adoption first. Let's just be honest about this. Adoption is not second rate but it was a choice made after trying to have children using what mother nature gave us. In the end, adoption worked for our family and we are so blessed to have T in our lives.

Adoption was a selfish choice for us. We wanted a family badly enough that we would ask another woman to place her baby in our arms. We are not saints, we did not "save" him...we just wanted a child. The emotional experience of J giving us the privilege to raise her son is not one to take lightly.

Some families with bio kids choose to adopt overseas from orphanage situations. Even though these kids need families, the reason for adoption should not be to help or save these children or as a way to live out ones faith. Yes, families in these third world countries are living in extreme poverty and often cannot care for their kids. However, instead of adoption which impacts one child, how about using the $30,000+ to develop communities and help families stay together and help kids stay in their country of birth.

So when someone makes the "I always wanted" statement I wonder why. And maybe this is the question I should ask.

I love how our family came together but it was not a "wouldn't that be nice" sort of decision. It wasn't about offering a home to a child in need. It wasn't because we have a faith. We were selfish. Our decision was all about us and our needs and wants. We wanted a family...not to add to a family.

It was just last week during a play group that a mom - who I did not know and had never spoken with - told me that she always wanted to adopt a child while she was holding her baby girl. In all honesty, my first thought was, you have a beautiful daughter, enjoy her. There are many other families who are unable to hold a baby...realize the blessing that you have and let that be enough.

church shopping

2011-03-07T18:25:00.000-08:00

I hesitate using the "church shopping" title given its negative connotations and very individualistic approach. However, let's call a spade a spade as that is exactly what D and I have been doing.

For a variety of reasons we took a year off of going to church. The break was important for us but it's now time to go back. Since we were not going to go back to our previous church we had an opportunity to look around. Get a sense of what's out there beyond our own denomination. The driving force in our hunt for a new church was diversity. Within minutes of entering a service I knew if we would be coming back or not. If one scan of the gathering resulted in a sea of white faces we would not be returning.

We tried a number of churches recommended to us because of potential diversity. One even had a pastor from Jamaica. But overwhelmingly the chairs were filled with white people. Honestly, I was ready to give up.

I must mention here that there are a number of churches filled with refugee and recent immigrant families. I work with newcomers in our city and love the many opportunities I have to interact and serve this population. When looking for a new church I am being selfish. Newcomer families experience many barriers when in a new country, immediate needs that I am well aware of. In looking for a church we are searching for us, for our needs. Selfish I know. Some parts of being a transracial family require this. There are times when we need to put T and our family first.

We are hoping to invest in and develop relationships with black families who have a certain sense of stability and are able to invest in our lives.

I had all but given up hope in our quest for a diverse church, when as a last resort I asked some questions to a women I was only trying to make conversation with. I thought why not ask...but I know what the answer will be as this community area appears quite white. I was slightly shocked (I'm sure my face showed it) when she told me that there was diversity in the church which included some black families with kids around T's age as well as a Hispanic population.

So we tried it out.

I did the scan...and smiled.

The church is still largely white but there are a number of black young adults, families, and older adults. More than any other church we've attended.

We've now been attending this church for a month and this last week noticed another black family with a boy who looks to be just a bit younger than T. I get little goose bumps thinking about potential opportunities to get to know these families.

I think we found our church. This search was less about the preaching, singing, programs, community area and more about creating opportunities for T and our family. Now the harder part begins...working to intentionally get to know these families and hopefully develop relationships in the future.

roots

2011-02-13T19:12:00.000-08:00

My close friend, who has a daughter adopted from Ethiopia, and I have started a support group.

An adoptive transracial parenting support group. And we're calling this group ROOTS...meaning belonging; the core; and to grow which describes us as transracial adoptive parents and our kids as transracial adoptees.

My friend and I spent many coffee evenings chatting about such a group but it has finally come together. We met for the first time a couple of weeks ago and plan to meet monthly while working through the book Inside Transracial Adoption.

I'm so excited about this new group in my life. Excited to grow and learn together with other parents who get it. Currently we're a group of 5 women and we chatted together about our stories and the book for 3 hours! We closed the Starbucks that night.

The significant pieces from that evening for me were that racial issues for our kids supersede regular adoption issues. Race infiltrates all aspects of adoption and is the lens with which our children will view themselves and the world. And how the world will view them. This only helps to strengthen my resolve to look for a racially diverse church and in the future a school, as well as intentionally develop relationships with other people of color.

The other is that I believe that first and foremost T is a child of God and will be raised with this knowledge. My hope is that this truth will help shape his understanding of who he is and how he fits into society and the world. As an adoptive parent I don't lean only on this truth but it is a part of the whole story.

The ROOTS group meets again in two weeks and I'm already anticipating the discussion and developing deep and lasting relationships with these moms.

It's just another kind of "moms group."

a miracle

2011-01-28T09:20:00.000-08:00

A miracle happened today.

My friend who has been going through adoption hell had her last and final court date in Ethiopia today.

After their adoption was denied three times for reasons of stupidity, the judge over-ruled this decision and she has a son.

I have been crying for the last 10 minutes. This move by the judge is unprecedented.

This is the best news I have heard since T's birth. And my friend's son is 3 months older than T...so T now has a little buddy his own age with brown skin.

Every time I think about this news my stomach does a flip flop and I get all teary. I am beyond happy for you both Chad and Laura.

So I guess miracles really do happen...

how long...?

2011-01-24T18:46:00.000-08:00

Questions from strangers are always interesting. Lately the same one has seemed to pop up with some regularity.

Stranger: "How old is he?"

Me: "16 months."

Stranger: "How long have you had him?"

I always answer with "since he was 2 days old."

T is growing up. He's a toddler and at an age that many children from African countries find their forever families. When he was a newborn no one ever asked that question. People likely assumed that we had adopted him recently or maybe it was a domestic situation.

T's adoption is international, but he's American which hardly seems international to me. He's not from Ethiopia, Kenya, Ghana, or any other African country. I understand why the question is asked. He's black, I'm white and thanks to Angelina most people are more familiar with an overseas international adoption versus that of the USA.

But what the question does is bring to the forefront that T is adopted and that I am an adoptive mom. He's not just my son...but an adopted child. I'm not just a mom...but an adoptive mom. We're labeled.

I'm never really sure where to go next in these conversations. I want to say...thanks for reminding me I'm an adoptive mom because I forgot...or...why does it matter to you...or...are you just trying to make conversation...or...why don't you talk to me like any other mom with a toddler?

But I don't. I just answer the question and leave it at that. I'll wait to see how they respond, hope they drop the subject, and carry on with whatever we're doing. A few people have responded by commenting that we've had him for awhile. Not really sure what to say after that....um...good observation?! Does having him since birth give my adoptive mom status more validity? I'm just glad that so far no one has felt the need to continue their questioning and ask about his first mom or how it is that we got him at 2 days old.

I wonder how long people will ask me this question. Perhaps when T is old enough to understand it won't be as important for others to know exactly when we became a family. In the meantime, I'm beginning to anticipate the question. And I don't stew all day when it's asked. Questions are a part of being a transracial family. I just find the questions interesting and am sometimes surprised how they affect me and cause me to ponder my role and how comfortable I am in it.

confession friday

2011-01-21T13:15:00.000-08:00

I confess that I stole this idea from other bloggers who are doing it.

I confess that today is my 36th birthday...inching closer to 40 and my anticipated trip to New York.

I confess that my heart hurts today for a friend going through a very tough adoption situation that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy.

I confess that I used to think Facebook was dumb...and now I don't.

I confess that I love getting acupuncture.

I confess that knowing J has put a hold on her file has resulted in procrastination...I am very behind in sending letters to her.

I confess that I love to shop for T's wardrobe...and that he has quite an extensive line-up of clothing.

I confess that it's still sometimes strange to think of myself as a mom.

I confess that I've been watching "the big bang theory" which I think is a super dumb show.

I confess that I get overwhelmed thinking about trying to be a good transracial adoptive mom.

I confess that T finally found his appetite which makes me do the dance of joy.

I confess that I currently have 600 emails in my inbox.

I confess that I love T more than words can describe.

I confess that life is good.

to blog or not to blog

2011-01-05T06:28:00.000-08:00

The end of 2010 found me with less time to spend at the computer. Entering the workforce as a mom resulted in many busy moments. Then throw in weekly swim class with T, weekly massage, acupuncture, chiropractic appointments (trying to use up all my insurance), Christmas shopping and baking and the result was a very chaotic life. I even ended up forgetting appointments and an important Christmas party I was supposed to attend. Sigh. Does the "baby brain" syndrome ever go away?

I have also been absent from blogland because I'm not sure what it is that I want to say anymore. Gone are the days I spent bitching about our agencies and the process. I am currently knee deep in parenting a one year old and adoption doesn't always arise as the very most important thing in my day. I still think about adoption related themes. I have at least 5 titled posts in my head. But I'm not sure how much to disclose in the public domain and articulating my thoughts is often harder than it should be.

I don't want to maintain this blog because I have to. I know readers lose interest when there aren't regular posts to peruse but to post just because is more work. At the same time I'm not ready to let go of this outlet. I still think there is value in keeping this blog and chronicling my journey. Since I don't journal this has been for me a diary of sorts.

So my blogging resolution for 2011 is to be a better blogger! No promises. But I'm going to take this year to determine if blogging is still for me.

a day for grieving...and potential joy

2010-12-10T13:08:00.000-08:00

ETA: Judge unable to review file. New court date set for Jan 28. Sigh.

ETA: Adoption denied for 3rd time. Judge set new court date of Jan 25 for unknown reasons.

ETA: New court date again...Jan 21st.

ETA: Court date was changed again to Dec 30th and then again to Jan 12th. No words. Just frustration.

ETA: Their court date was changed this morning (Dec 13) to Friday, December 17th. Too. Much. Drama. Please keep praying and believing.

Nine years. It's been nine years since I last saw my dad's smiling face, heard his contagious laughter, and watched him use a toothpick in ways previously unknown.

On Monday December 13th, all those years ago, my life changed forever. The first few years were difficult but now it's easier. The wound left on my heart has healed and no longer aches in the same way. I still miss him and feel sad for all the missed opportunities. Especially seeing him as a grandpa, he would have been amazing.

On Monday I experience my grief day. While another waits for life changing news that will result in either profound grief or joy. The friend I have written about before is waiting for word regarding the potential adoption of a little boy in Ethiopia. Their story is tragic and something I wouldn't wish for anyone.

While speaking with her yesterday I was reminded of my "summer from hell" and the work I did to try to believe in what seemed impossible. For my friend, a positive answer from court on Monday may actually be impossible, but they were given a nugget of information this week that has resulted in the tiniest bit of hope.

But she can't believe in the impossible. Hope hurts. Hope exposes a previously protected heart and cracks open those deep places of longing and emotion. Hope lets you think about the future. Hope causes your head to spin with out of control feelings and thoughts. To feel a speck of hope in situations like this is hard.

Alice laughed. "There's no use trying," she said. "One can't believe impossible things."

"I dare say you haven't had as much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age I did it for half an hour a day. Why sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

-- Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass

She can't believe it. But I can. And so can you.

Believe and pray this weekend.

And I sincerely hope that I am the only one of us grieving on Monday.

a friend in need

2010-11-24T08:13:00.000-08:00

Entering the adoption world has provided me with many new friends. There is an instant bond, an understanding that occurs between adoptive and prospective adoptive parents. No one else can quite "get it".

One of my very good adoptive mama friends needs your positive thoughts and prayers. She has experienced a rocky journey and right when we all thought it would be over they hit a major roadblock. And I mean MAJOR.

Not the kind of roadblock that one grieves and moves past to continue waiting for a child. This is the kind of roadblock that ends the entire process for them forever. Forever.

I can't disclose the roadblock but just know that it is utterly and entirely ridiculous. There aren't even any appropriate words in the English language to describe how absurd this situation is. No words...except quite a few expletives.

Half way around the world court proceedings will take place tomorrow to decide their fate. To you this is just another woman waiting for an adoption, but to me this is an important friend and I hurt so much seeing her broken and in despair. Please pray, think positive thoughts, send positive energy into the universe, or whatever else suits your fancy. I need to believe that God still performs miracles. He still does, right?

In the end we can't do anything else but wait and watch a stranger determine my friend's future.

i don't have to think about...

2010-11-18T09:19:00.001-08:00

I'm behind on my blog reading. Today I poked around Heather's blog Production, Not Reproduction and came across this excellent post titled Things I Don't Have to Think About Today.

what not to say

2010-11-13T06:21:00.000-08:00

I recently stumbled across this great post about what not to say to transracial adoptive families. I honestly can't believe the nerve of some people.

gratitude

2010-11-05T13:41:00.001-07:00

A good friend of mine took family photos of us shortly after T turned one year old. It was mid-September and the day was gorgeous. I know my friend is a good photographer (she took T's baby pictures as well) so I was expecting some great photos.

But what she showed me blew me away. They are stunning.

I have watched the slideshow of all our pictures countless times and each time I am struck with feelings of privilege, gratitude, and blessing. I've been thinking about all of this for at least a week and still have a hard time even articulating what it is that I feel to myself, but I'm going to give it a try.

I sometimes wonder if, as an adoptive mom, my experience and feelings of motherhood basics are somewhat different from a biological mom. I know that at times I definitely have a different perspective on motherhood -- waiting and working so hard to become something that many take forgranted will do that. But what I am referring to here is different.

I feel an intense sense of privilege at having been given the opportunity to parent this remarkable little boy. And in this context I am referring to privilege as an honor and pleasure. As I look at our family photos I wonder how it is that I am so fortunate to be allowed to watch T grow up and develop. I am still struck by the fact that I am his mom and have the potential to greatly impact his life.

The key concept here is opportunity. Having a family wasn't assumed or a given. Entering motherhood via adoption brings with it a sense of awe. We were chosen. A stranger decided that we would parent their child. An amazing set of circumstances made becoming a mom possible.

There is a depth and richness to what I am feeling that I'm not sure I can ever fully explain. I am so incredibly grateful for T's presence in my life. After experiencing 18 months of loss, the joy motherhood has granted me is indescribable.

The photos tell part of our story. And to me it's a beautiful moment. A moment of privilege, blessing, and gratitude.

And to my photographer friend (you know who you are!)...I am also grateful for you and your willingness to share your time and talent. Thank you.

I will post a few of my favourite photos on T's private blog. If you want access, leave a comment or send me an email, letting me know who you are.

absenteeism

2010-10-27T18:42:00.001-07:00

I have been absent from the blogging world. Not only is this the longest time I have gone without posting, I am also hopelessly behind in blog reading.

Life has been busy. I went back to work on October 4th.

Balance is now the name of the game. Finding the time to clean, cook, play, and rest. Thank goodness I am only working part-time.

As October loomed I was asked many times how I was feeling going back to work after being home with T. It was a hard question to answer without having experienced what it looks and feels like to work outside the home after becoming a mom. I can now say with confidence that I absolutely love being back at work. From day one it just felt right. I love my job and I love my co-workers. And I love the small break from diapers, naps, and snacks.

Baby T's experience of me going back to work has been less than stellar. He is in a home daycare located just two doors down from us on the same street (how convenient!). Day one at daycare was great. Day two and onward has resulted in hours and hours of wailing and screaming. Our little one is quite persistent. One day, he was so exhausted from crying he fell asleep in the middle of the floor with all the other kids playing around him. Poor baby!

This week he did a bit better. And I know that every week will continue to improve. T's separation anxiety is completely normal, and in a small way it's sort of nice to know that I am missed and am important.

And even though dropping him off tugs at the heartstrings, especially when he cries the silent cry, I still love being back at work. I know he's in good hands and I know that in the end spending some time outside the house will be best for both him and me.

Now that I have a month of this "working mom" thing under my belt, I hope to do a better job of regularly showing up in the blogging world.

off the shelf

2010-09-30T13:50:00.000-07:00

Today I was asked a question. Not just any sort of question, but one that I will be asked countless times in my future.

I was paying for a service and T was walking around playing a form of hide-in-seek with a man that I've spoken with maybe half a dozen times. T was so cute. He'd run to the edge of the counter and peek at the man and then run back to stand by my legs.

The man then asked me:

"Where'd you get him?"

Not even the "where is he from" form of this question, but "where'd you get him."

My mind reacted negatively to this question and I could feel my body stiffen slightly. What was a cute situation just became awkward for me. In the split second it took me to answer him I tried to think of a way that would indicate that there are perhaps better ways to ask this question. But of course I couldn't.

All I said is that he is from the States. What I was thinking was,"we didn't pick him off the shelf of Wal-Mart you moron."

He asked me a few other questions about adoption (one related to how long it took and pointed out that our 18 month process was 2 pregnancies...ha ha.) but I knew immediately that I would not engage him in adoption conversation. I was glad that we needed to leave shortly.

If you see families that were likely created by transracial adoption, I don't think it is necessary to ask about the child's county of birth. That bit of information is generally just related to curiosity. And curiosity killed the cat.

I know people mean well. And I'm certain that this man didn't intend to make me feel awkward. This is still all quite new for me. Most of the questioning from strangers hasn't started yet. I know I will encounter similar situations in the future and some will be worse.

In hindsight, I should have asked the question back to him..."do you mean to ask, where is he from?"

I'll remember next time.

wordless wednesday

2010-09-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

i will keep sending letters

2010-09-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

What is it with Mondays?

Yesterday was a disappointing day on many levels. But the most disappointing part of yesterday was adoption related.

Those of you who know me, or have read here for any length of time, know that D and I desire(ed) an open adoption. We've done the reading and feel that a true open adoption is best for all members of the triad. When signing the application with our American agency we were unaware that their definition of openness was more of the semi-open variety. This particular agency doesn't encourage true openness and prefers that all correspondence between adoptive and first families flow through them. We became aware of this once well into the process. We still felt that we would do whatever we could to create as much openness as possible.

Every month I write a letter and pick the best pictures to send to J. I have sent Christmas presents, birthday presents, and a Mother's Day card. In each letter I mention how we would love to hear from her and often remind her of our email address. After a couple of months I inquired with our agency to see if any letters/packages had been returned, just in case she had moved and not left a forwarding address. None were returned.

Yesterday I inquired again.

I was not prepared for the answer.

At the end of last year, J requested that a hold be put on her file and all letters/packages remain at the agency until she requested them.

One could read many things into this. I've already thought of them all.

I've been preparing T's 12 month letter and pictures (wanted to wait until after his party so I could send some cake shots). Nothing will change this. I will still write it as if she is reading it this month. And I will continue to send updates, cards, and presents.

T will know that we did everything possible to create a relationship with his first mom. He will know that at each update, each holiday, and every other time in between we thought about J and how important she is to us, to him, and our family.

My hope is that when J is ready, she will request her "box of stuff" and even perhaps connect with us. In the meantime we're back to doing something we have a lot of practice and experience in...waiting on someone else.

the birthday party

2010-09-14T09:39:00.001-07:00

On the weekend we celebrated T's first birthday with family and close friends...BBQ style. It was a fantastic day and the weather even cooperated. In total, 32 people (including kids) celebrated baby T's first life. We are blessed with wonderful family and fabulous friends.

The cake. It took me at least 20 hours to create this safari cake! And WAY more time was spent conceiving the idea! After a few moments of panic (an icing issue, fondant bubbles, drooping giraffe, and running out of time) it all came together perfectly. Just as I had imagined! The cake flavours were; chocolate with swiss meringue buttercream, white with milk chocolate buttercream, and carrot with cream cheese buttercream. All yummy! And in case you're wondering about the animals...each was handmade by yours truly...and each took 1 1/2 hours to create!

T and his smash cake!

He didn't try a bite of cake but he sure "smashed" it!

What an awesome day. Now I've got 364 days to plan the next one!

why i don't like the word "gotcha"

2010-09-09T12:22:00.000-07:00

"Gotcha Day" is a day celebrated by adoptive families to recognize the day their child entered the family.

Today is the day, one year ago, that we took custody of T and he came home (to the hotel) with us. Around 2:00 pm we all left the hospital together. D and I put the car seat holding T in our car. J and her case worker got into a different car. And we each went our respective ways. That day was full of so much joy and sorrow.

I'm not sure I can celebrate this day in the way that "gotcha" implies. When we "got him"...J "lost him". Yes, I am fully aware that she signed paperwork to relinquish parental rights...blah, blah, blah. But I still don't doubt that to walk out of the hospital without her son was very difficult, no matter what her reasons for placement were. The words "gotcha day" seems very adoptive parent-centered, and gives little thought to the life that was left behind for the adoptee and the significance of the day for his/her first mom. We, as adoptive parents often choose to spend more time thinking about our joy and blessing and how to celebrate...after all we are the ones who gained.

In a recent issue of Adoptive Families magazine an article was written on this very topic. The author, an adoptive mother, wrote,

I find the use of "gotcha" to describe the act of adoption both astonishing and offensive. Aside from being parent-centered ("C'mere, little orphan, I gotcha now!") it smacks of acquiring a possession, not welcoming a new person into your life."

Her language may be viewed as harsh but I think she brings up an important point. I already need to battle comments that imply I placed an order at Babies R Us to get a cute black baby, so why would I encourage words that suggest something similar.

Some argue that celebrating "gotcha day" normalizes adoption and the ways in which our families have been created. However, I have to wonder if pointing out this day has the opposite effect. Once T entered our family we became, in a sense, plain ole regular parents. Do families created by biology celebrate similar days? Is there a "conception day"? The world will always remind us that we are an adoptive family and celebrating this day in a monumental way is just another way to point out how we are different.

T will know his adoptive story and will be familiar with how he entered our family. D and I will initiate discussion and be open to his promptings about his story throughout the year. Do we really need to mark today as the day we "got him?" I realize that our story of a newborn adoption where we took custody two days after birth is different from an international adoption, but in both instances I am uncomfortable with using "gotcha."

This is a hotly debated topic. Read through the comments to the AF article to get a sense of how much, but note that the vast majority of comments are from adoptive parents. Take a poke around some adoptee or first mom blogs and you'll find a different perspective. Most things in adoption are driven by emotion. We become quite passionate about our stance or way of doing things. In the end, whether or not adoptive families choose to celebrate the day their child entered the family, the other triad members must be acknowledged. All members.

To celebrate the way our family was united using the word "gotcha" cheapens it in a way for me. Perhaps there are better words to use that mark the moment adoptive families are created.

12 months old

2010-09-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

Baby T is 12 months old.

It was one year ago today that we met him. We met the little boy who would become our son. We looked into those eyes and wondered what life would be like.

One year later I can look back and say without a doubt that this has been an incredible journey. Full of diapers, crying, feeding, teething, sleeplessness...and I wouldn't change a thing.

I've heard moms mention feelings of nostalgia at a year. Looking at the small cute baby clothes and newborn pictures often brings up thoughts of what once was. I don't feel that in the same way. Perhaps it is because I have intentionally tried to imprint upon my memory what each new stage was like. In all likelihood T will be my only child and I wanted to savor and remember each moment as best as I could.

But there is also another reason that feelings of nostalgia haven't surfaced. It is only now that I am feeling more like a mom. T's mom. I see T look at me when trying something new. He looks at me to see if what he is touching is okay. He stays by me for a moment when in a new situation. He holds on to my leg when he's not sure or when he wants to be close. He raises his arms up towards me to be picked up. He wraps his arms around my neck, hugs me hard, and gives me kisses. And he toddles towards me smiling the most incredible smile that lights up his beautiful eyes.

I count it a privilege to be granted the opportunity to watch this remarkable little boy grow up. To see his personality take shape. It's not about nature versus nurture but rather nature and nurture. T will always be part of J and part of me.

So at one year I feel incredibly blessed. This little boy has filled my heart with joy. As I continue to work on understanding my identity as "mom", I will delight in each new stage and development that I get to be a part of.

"labor day" 2009

2010-09-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

Monday, September 7th, 2009:
Today began just like Saturday and Sunday. In continual shock that we had been chosen by J and slight panic wondering when baby would be born.

D left sometime in the late morning to help a friend do some yard work.

At 1:00 pm the phone rang. I checked the caller ID and it was a number I was very familiar with by now. I quickly answered the phone and our case worker said, "We think J is in labor. You might want to start packing!"

Eek!

My heart was racing but I managed to stay somewhat calm while getting all the details. J had already been to the hospital a couple of times for what turned out to be false labor. But this time our case worker was pretty sure it was the real deal. I asked her to call me the minute she found out that J had indeed been admitted.

Then I called D. He rushed home.

After taking "the call" I very clearly remember walking around the house shaking and chanting something like "oh. my. goodness." I didn't know what to do first. I'm pretty sure I showered first!

Once D got home we packed our bags in record time. (And we remembered almost everything which is quite amazing!). Then we checked flights. There was one flight leaving late afternoon arriving at our destination city at midnight. We tried to connect again with our case worker to see if J was indeed in labor before booking, but we didn't hear from her again until later that evening. J had expressed interest in us being present for the birth so we decided to gamble and book the flights.

But since it was now 2:00 pm and the flight was leaving at 4:30 pm the online system wouldn't let us book it. Never before had we tried to book flights two hours before leaving! D called the airline to confirm the flight and was told that we would have to pay for the flight at the airport.

Meanwhile, we had called a friend who would be "cat sitting" and taking care of our house while away. She was on stand by and was able to come over immediately. I remember sitting in our spare room with K quietly chatting while D was on the phone and computer stressing about booking the flights. D and I were certainly on edge!

K dropped us off at the airport I believe an hour or so before our flight left. We paid the ticket agent (too much money) for our last minute booking. And then we waited for our flight. We mostly stared into space not sure of what to do or say!

We needed to take two flights to our destination city. Our layover was almost 4 hours! During this time we booked a car rental and checked out hotels close to the hospital. We've never left the country before without accommodations booked! We were able to send out emails letting friends and family know how we were doing. And while waiting at our gate for our flight I chatted with my sister via skype. Love skype!

Just as we were about to board our flight we received an email from our caseworker letting us know that J had delivered a healthy baby boy at 6:59 pm. Both mom and baby were doing well. We wouldn't be able to be at the hospital for the birth but just knowing that they were both well and healthy was a relief. We were informed that J wanted some time to rest in the morning and we were to arrive at the hospital at 11:00 am. We boarded the plane thinking about both J and baby boy.

It was on this flight that D suggested the name T. We had one other name in mind but it was the same as a character on the movie Wolverine and D was having issue with that. (I didn't think it was a big deal but whatever!). We hoped that J would help pick his first name so we didn't do too much thinking and planning about that. I've posted about how we chose his name here.

We arrived at midnight. Got our car. Drove to the hotel we were hoping to stay at. The basic rooms were full so they upgraded us to a nicer larger room for the same price. Bonus! The room was lovely and perfect for a longer stay, since we knew we'd be there for likely two weeks. The hotel served a hot complimentary breakfast and light meal at dinner time. We took full advantage of both meals.

Then we attempted to sleep.

september long 2009

2010-09-05T20:20:00.001-07:00

This was the weekend.

The weekend that ended the summer from hell.

It was one year ago that we took the first steps on a journey that would result in parenthood. This is how the adventure began.

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009:
We come home late in the evening to a message on our answering machine from our American agency case worker. An expectant mom wanted to interview us. At the time our profile was being considered by 2-3 other women (that specific fact has become fuzzy!). We set up an interview time for the next morning. Our agency was now using webcam technology to facilitate interviews. We had interviewed via the phone previously but were quite excited to try the webcam. I talked extensively with our caseworker about J and how she was doing. Our caseworker also informed us that the baby was confirmed to be a boy as initially "girl" was checked off on the information we had received about J. A boy. Yay! D and I didn't sleep well that night.

Friday, September 4th, 2009:
D and I both made our way to work in the morning. Our webcam interview was scheduled for 11:00 am. Close to 10:00am D and I left our prospective work places for a "meeting" to head home. We nervously prepared for our interview. We set our computer up in the very unused baby room and snuggled close together in the large lounge chair. After some initial hiccups with technology we were able to connect with the agency. J was lovely. In total we chatted together for just over an hour. Considering our experience only 2 months prior, D and I were still quite guarded about the process. Would we hurt again? So when J picked us to parent her child after only ~45 minutes into the interview we were stunned. Speechless was more like it. We ended our conversation talking about J's due date which no one seemed to have a clear idea about. In the end no one was able to contact J's obstetrician for confirmation about the date. We decided we would wait to hear more after J's doctor appointment on Tuesday (Monday being a holiday) before making travel plans.

We did know that J's due date was very soon. So D and I needed to prepare. We both headed back to work early that afternoon to tie up loose ends just in case J would go into labor during the weekend. At the time I was working two part-time jobs so I ran back and forth between them to make sure everything was ready for me to leave at a moment's notice. It was a whirlwind of activity. I'm still not sure how we managed to get things together in 4 short hours.

That evening D and I went out for a nice dinner, wondering if this would be our last experience dining out as a childless couple. It was a surreal experience. We were both still very cautious about everything. And of course were fully aware that in no way was this yet unborn child ours. And there were no guarantee's that he would ever be ours. J had absolutely every right to decide to parent her child and we would have completely respected her decision.

Saturday, July 5th, 2009:
We packed the baby's suitcase.

Sunday, September 6th, 2009:
I have absolutely no idea what we did this day. Likely continued to walk around in shock and try to get our lives in order to leave at a moment's notice.

Monday, September 7th, 2009:
The day that changed our lives forever. I will post about this day in exactly two days.

a pregnant woman is NOT a birth mom until papers are signed

2010-08-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

Please.

Say it with me.

A pregnant woman is NOT a birth mom until she has signed relinquishment paperwork.

I continue to see...on so many prospective adoptive parent blogs...inappropriate language used to describe a woman who is considering adoption for her unborn child.

Until papers have been signed, every pregnant woman is an expectant mother.

Bottom line.

I really wish more people in adoption land would get this. Especially adoptive parents. The general public may be confused about adoption language, but we shouldn't be.

We all talk about respecting "birth moms" and acknowledging the difficult decisions they are facing.

Then let's respect all women who are considering placement and do them the courtesy of not using labels before any decisions have been made.

speaking about transracial adoption

2010-08-27T13:24:00.000-07:00

I love this clip from Adoption Learning Partners. Both mother and son have some important things to say about transracial adoption.

I'm trying to imagine one day sitting beside T in a similar way.

oh canada

2010-08-23T07:21:00.000-07:00

T is an American Citizen (always will be). D and I are Canadian. Since T is not our biological child, we have had to engage in the permanent residency paperwork process to allow him all the same privileges we have in Canada. When we entered the country with T in September 2009 he was considered a "visitor."

The permanent residency process requires:

sponsorship application
permanent residency application
adoption paperwork
immigration medical completed by an approved physician
4 photos (like a passport photo)
proof of adoption finalization
letter of no objection from our province
American passport
original and new birth certificates

It took us 8 months to compile all the required documents, as we needed to wait for finalization paperwork and his new birth certificate.

After another 2 months of waiting we finally got word last week that the permanent residency process was complete. The last step, unbeknown to us, was to leave the country and when we re-entered T's permanent residency status would be validated.

So on Saturday, August 21st, we took an impromptu trip south (did some shopping) and returned with a permanent resident of Canada! The Immigration Officer was so pleasant and we were even able to get a picture of him with T holding a Canadian flag.

We're so very glad to be finished with that process.

Next step...Canadian Citizenship paperwork...

hair and skin care 101

2010-08-13T07:03:00.000-07:00

This week I attended an information session on how to care for black hair and skin at a local salon (this is where I take T). It was so informative and I am amazed at how I continue to learn new information on how to care for T's hair. Once I think I've got it I come across information that suggests otherwise.

T's hair regime is by far the question that friends and family ask the most often. So for those of you reading...here is the current plan.

The Basics:

T is bathed twice a week.
Hair is washed once a week because it is so dry. This includes shampoo, wash-out conditioner, leave-in conditioner, and lastly a spray moisturizer.
On non-wash days we wet T's hair and then spray it with a moisturizer.
A wide tooth comb is used to comb through T's hair. And his hair absolutely must be wet for us to comb it.
Anytime T's hair gets really wet we're supposed to use the spray moisturizer.
When swimming in a chlorinated pool we put the leave-in conditioner in his hair and when drying off we spray it with the moisturizer. When swimming in a non-chlorinated pool we just need to use the spray afterward.
To care for his skin we lotion him up every morning and evening. Lately I've been using shea butter on his knees because they are quite beat up from him crawling around in shorts.

The Products:
We use Peek-A-Boo Tearless Shampoo from It's A Curl! to wash T's hair. This little bottle set us back $15 (Canadian) but at the time we didn't know what else to get and since this product is made specifically for babies we decided to purchase it (and others from the same line). The shampoo works really nicely and it's easy to wash out of the hair. Since T's hair is short we don't end up using very much.

Once this little bottle is empty we will purchase a decent regular shampoo as we have since learned that what you wash/condition the hair with is not necessarily as important as what you leave in the hair.

T's leave-in conditioner Patty Cake Conditioner is from the same It's A Curl! line. Again, an expensive little bottle but since we are only washing/conditioning once a week we use very little. Once this is empty we'll purchase a regular conditioner.

The last product we use from the It's A Curl! line is the Ring Around The Curlies leave-in conditioner. I really like this product as it leaves T's hair smelling quite nice. However, I've since learned that this leave-in isn't thick enough for the texture of T's hair so I need to start using a lot more.

Once this product is finished I'll be on the hunt for an appropriate leave-in that will work well with T's hair. This will be something that would never work in a white child's hair as it will be way too heavy. I will be consulting T's hairdresser when we get to this point!

The last product we use in T's four product regime on wash days (this kid has more hair products than I do!) is the Braid Sheen Spray from African Gold. This product was recommended by T's hairdresser and we were able to pick this up at Wal-Mart. Any sort of moisturizing and conditioning product made for black hair will work. This product we use daily.

At the information session I learned that we need to add another product to T's weekly regime. A hair/scalp conditioner or otherwise known as "oiling your scalp". We haven't purchased this product yet and the sample we have to try isn't from African Gold. I can't remember the name of our sample oil product but once again I'll be speaking with T's hairdresser for more info on this. I'm not sure if we're supposed to use this product on his wash day or pick a different day of the week.

Can't stress how important it is to find a hairdresser who knows and understands black hair. T's hairdresser is the same woman who held the information session and I've been getting to know her a little bit. It was really important to me that T's hair was cut by someone with brown skin and I'm so pleased with the salon that we have found.

I did ask about learning how to cut T's hair myself since if we keep it short he will need a cut every 4-6 weeks. But as someone beside me in the session said...I wouldn't cut a biological child's hair on my own so why would I try to cut my adoptive child's hair? Very true.

So there you have it. Hair and skin care 101!

money, money, money

2010-08-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

I am very frustrated by the role money plays in adoption. I was recently made aware of a situation where a family was chosen by an expectant mom, but had to decline simply because of the projected final cost of the adoption. I am also aware of a family unable to have biological children who would love to adopt a child, but because of intentional choices they have made to live a simple lifestyle, are unable. Because of money.

I am so sick and tired of money playing such a major role in adoption.

So many of us who have chosen adoption are now in major debt. This isn't right. I don't believe that adoption needs to cost as much as it does. There are always hidden costs that no one, especially not the agencies, tells you about in the beginning. You only find out at the end. Once you're emotionally attached and willing to use plastic for anything and everything. Agencies are non-profit organizations, however I am quite confident that many directors and other agency staff are making a pretty penny.

And as soon as there is a bottom line, greed and corruption enter. If money were taken out of the equation child trafficking would cease to exist. Coercion would no longer be a concern. And other families would be able to adopt a child.

Currently, adoption is for the wealthy. Or at least for those who have a bit of money and are willing to go into debt to build a family. Money is not everything. I truly believe that. But you still need it to feed and clothe a child.

And I'm quite curious as to what that agency told the expectant mom about why the family she chose was unable to parent her child. I sincerely doubt it was the truth.

I leave you with a word from ABBA:

Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world.

All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world.

oa roundtable - agencies and open adoption

2010-08-03T07:41:00.000-07:00

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. Click here to link to what other bloggers are writing about this topic.

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?

Since we live in Canada and adopted a child from the United States we endured two agencies...and all the drama (and money!) as a result. Our experience with our agencies was vastly different. We were explicitly told by our Canadian agency that they work hard to take the emotion out of adoption when interacting with prospective adoptive parents. We can safely say that they did a pretty good job of this. So much so that we often felt belittled for any emotion we did show. Our social worker was great though. She was supportive and encouraging. The agency we used in Canada only does international adoption and didn't provide us with any information regarding open adoption. However, our social worker was able to chat about this with us.

We have seen open adoption work very successfully as many of our friends are involved in relationship with their child's first parents. So before we even signed the application form we already knew a fair amount about openness and that we placed a great deal of value on this sort of adoption. This is one of the main reasons we chose to adopt from the US instead of overseas. (For those of you wondering why we didn't choose to adopt locally you need to know that for varying reasons it is very difficult to adopt in our province. Many people wait 5-8 years).

Our American agency required us to read specific books as a part of our application process and this included reading on open adoption. However, as we got to know the workers at this agency better we became aware that they don't really encourage complete openness between adoptive and first families. This agency's definition of open adoption is what we would refer to as a semi-open adoption where all correspondence between families flows through the agency. The agency encourages adoptive and first families to meet prior to or during placement but that is where the openness ends. We were supposed to keep our address, last name and any other identifying information a secret, as was J. We did share some of this information with J as did she. How can you be given a child and not share more of who you are? How can you give your child to a stranger to parent without knowing where he will live?

Both of our agencies knew that we were very open and willing to be involved in a fully open adoption. Yet, each in their own way questioned us and our motives. Each brought up openness at various times and would ask "are you still open to x, y, z?" And we would continue to say "yes." It is a frustrating thing...to have to defend yourself for making choices that you believe are clearly in the best interest of the child. Isn't that what agencies should be interested in as well?

In the end, we learned more about open adoption from friends living it, than we ever did from our agencies.

book: inside transracial adoption

2010-07-29T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am reading a new book titled Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall. I'm only part way through but I am quite impressed with the content. This is from the inside cover:

Inside Transracial Adoption provides creative, confident, pro-active, and provocative guidance for parents who are experienced veterans or who are considering transracial adoption for the first time. Whether through domestic or international adoption the authors offer direction for building close, loving, and very real families consisting of individuals who are proud and culturally competent members of differing races.

In the first chapter The Challenges of Transracial Adoption the authors cite what they believe to be indisputable principles of transracial adoption:

transracial adoption is more complex than same-race adoption
visible differences between parents and children increase challenges to their acceptance as a family unit
there are predictable developmental stages for transracial adoptive families which are different from those of same-race families
issues regarding racial or ethnic awareness and development of positive racial identity must be addressed
In a larger context, what makes these core principles indisputable are these broader truths...
adoption is a response to a life crisis
race matters
transracial adoption issues are not easy or comfortable subjects to discus
adoptive families need to develop the desire and capacity to help themselves
families built by transracial adoption can let challenges beat them down or they can embrace their issues - a process which only builds strength

Lastly...

If we are successful at giving transracially adopted children all that they need, we will raise adults with a unique ability to understand and interact with white-dominated society, while retaining proud membership in their own racial community.

I like this book.

is there trauma post-adoption?

2010-07-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

I recently stumbled across this blog post The sole trauma is the loss that occurs BEFORE adoption, but the practice of adoption itself causes no pain? by Melissa (adult adoptee) at Yoon's Blur. Melissa so articulately responds to the common belief held by many adoptive parents that loss and trauma occurs only before the adoption rather than also post-adoption. I think this is especially true in transracial adoptions where white privileged parents adopt a child of color. As a white woman I can never, in no possible way, understand the alienation, racism, and isolation that my son will face. If T was being raised by a black family he would learn and master strategies to face a white-dominated society by observing and modeling behaviours exhibited by his family. I once heard an adoptive parent comment on how they have not yet discussed racism with their school aged child as they would rather be reactive versus proactive in addressing any issues. They felt this would protect their child from the reality of how society views skin color...his skin color. However, I believe that as a result of T being adopted by white parents we must acknowledge the reality of post-adoption trauma and surround ourselves with people who can adequately prepare him, be proactive by educating ourselves, and listen to the experience of adult transracial adoptee's.

Here is an excerpt from her post:

These are stresses, traumas, losses--whatever you choose to label them--that occur as a direct result of being adopted, or as I often refer to as direct result of being transplanted or displaced. According to my experience, these words more accurately identify and characterize what practically and realistically happens to a person who is adopted internationally.*

As the couple featured in "Adopted" demonstrated, it's very easy to grow complacent and comfortable. It's easy to look at one's adopted daughter or son smiling and laughing, and think that they're done grieving. It's more comforting to believe that now that they're in your home, a part of your family, they're safe now. They're protected. The loss and trauma are in the past, and now they're on their way to a "new, better life."

But the truth is that I wasn't safe once I arrived in America. I wasn't protected once I arrived in America. And I certainly was not done grieving once I arrived with my new family. And although I fully acknowledge that I have lived an incredible life full of love and hope, I am still dealing with the loss and trauma that I endured not only before I was adopted but that which I endured and continue to endure after I was adopted.

I don't point a bitter finger at any single individual. It's more complicated than that, and that's also not the point of this blog--to place blame.

When I say I wasn't safe or protected once I arrived in America, it's not to say that I did not have a loving family that wanted to provide a safe, protective environment for me (unfortunately, there are adoptees who cannot say the same). It means that even though I had a loving family, even though I had a family that wanted to protect me, that love could not fully protect me or keep me safe from the racism and bigotry or the sense of isolation and alienation I would soon begin to face.

As a little girl, I was affectionate, happy, and compliant (generally-speaking, of course...*smilewink*). But once I had to venture beyond the walls of home and family to school and the often cruel, unfiltered world, there were realities I had to face for which my parents and family had not prepared me, because they had no awareness of the consequences that would ensue as a result of being adopted.

Parents must be willing to acknowledge and accept that there are traumas and losses that occur post-adoption. They have to be willing to anticipate that such things are going to happen--and that when they do happen, they are traumatic to the adopted person's sense of family, sense of community, and sense of self.

why are you brown?

2010-07-12T07:58:00.001-07:00

D and I recently visited the zoo with baby T (his first time). D was holding T near a play area and was approached by a child.

Child: Why did you get a brown one and not a white one?

D: (not sure what to say)

Child: Why is he brown?

D (smiling pleasantly): Why are you white?

Child: I was made that way.

D: Yeah. You're white because you were made that way. And he is brown because he was made that way.

Child's parent joins the conversation.

Parent: You were made white and you are perfect just like he was made brown and he is perfect too.

Child goes back to playing.

The questions have begun...

full disclosure?

2010-06-29T12:35:00.001-07:00

When and where do I disclose verbally that T is adopted? From our skin color I think it is quite obvious that I did not birth this child but do I need to name it in public?

Way back (it feels like forever ago!) right after T was born people would peek into his car seat or the snuggly wrap and comment on his cuteness. We replied "yep, we adopted him x days ago." I think this was a way for us to wrap our brains around the fact that he was indeed ours and that this whole adoption thing had really happened. And because his skin color did not "match" ours it seemed sort of obvious to us that we had adopted him so why not say it.

It didn't take long and I realized that responding this way impeded me from really feeling like his mom. Every time I immediately disclosed the fact that he was adopted I also negated my role as his parent as well as the fact that he is a permanent part of our family. So I stopped doing it.

I have two recent examples of when I did disclose his adoption and afterward wondered if I had needed to name it.

At Gymboree (with baby T):
I'm looking at the sale rack which has some killer deals on pants for a two year old. I wonder if I should get them because who knows what size and shape T will be in two years. But I have a really hard time passing on a super deal. After all he will need pants when he's two. So I start chatting with the sales clerk...

Me: Are the height and weight measurements on the pants usually pretty accurate in general?

Salesclerk: Usually.

Me: I'm wondering about the length. He's pretty long right now.

Salesclerk: But you're not that tall...how tall is his dad?

Me: Oh, he's adopted and I have limited information about his first parents.

So. Should I have disclosed his adoption? Or was it okay for her to think he was my biological child? Should I have answered her question with D's height? But isn't that misleading? Since I will continue to shop in this store does that justify my mentioning his adoption? What if we were in a different store where I knew I would never be back?

At a continuing education event on infant nutrition (without baby T):
I'm sitting beside a colleague and my family doctor (it was so weird to see her out of context and then have her sit right beside me!). Breastfeeding is the topic of discussion. My doctor knows of my original intentions to induce lactation and the measures I took last year. My colleague overhears an insider comment to my doctor and asks me if I tried the protocol. Since I have no issues with discussing this and especially because we work in child and maternal health (which is very pro breastfeeding) I chatted with her about my experience. Then the woman who organized the education event took a chair at our table and joined our discussion. She only hears that we are talking about breastfeeding and doesn't know the context. I say something, which I can't remember now, and she asks...

Woman: Did you try breastfeeding?

Me: My son is adopted.

Shoot. Shoot. Shoot. Why is that the first thing that pops out of my mouth? I could have easily and with complete honestly told her that I had tried but it didn't work out. That is the truth. She didn't need to know that T was adopted. Right? Or would my doctor and colleague have thought that I was misleading?

In the second example T wasn't with me so there was no way of her even thinking adoption. But most of the time he is with me. And because I think it's pretty obvious that T is not my biological child I assume that others think the same thing. This assumption usually causes my disclosure. When someone asks me an odd question I'm thinking..."um, have you looked at him and do you see his mocha brown skin??"

But I do believe that I need to rethink my assumptions.

This week I went to my salon for highlights. The stylist was an apprentice (it was cheaper) so not my usual person. I needed to bring T with me and then D was going to meet me at the salon, take T, and switch vehicles. The stylist took me to the back to get started. T crawled around the front foyer area and the receptionist and other stylists looked after him (they always do this, I love this place!). When D arrived he picked up T and came to find me and let me know where the car was parked. After he left the stylist said...

Stylist: So, this is a personal question, but is he adopted?

Me (thinking): um hello?

Me: Yep.

Stylist: Oh, I thought your husband was black.

Me: His skin color is really quite dark for him to be biracial.

Stylist: No. I have a friend whose father is Jamaican and mother is white and her brother is very dark whereas she is much lighter.

I guess this can and does happen. Maybe I shouldn't be quite so surprised when someone assumes that he is my bio child.

I'm just confused about when it's okay to disclose his adoption and when it's okay to let people think what they think. I know the answer to this will come with experience and depend on the situation but in the meantime I'm not sure what to do. It is usually after the fact that I think about a better response, not in the moment -- really dislike that about myself.

I'm sure that thinking about this right now will help with future situations. And I'm quite sure that I'll make mistakes about what to say when. I'm glad I have a bit of time before T will be able to understand these conversations. The pressure will be on when there are little ears listening.

a conversation at costco

2010-06-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

Awhile back my sister and I were shopping at Costco. T was with us. We had paid for our items (why is it that you always leave Costco buying more than you intended?!) and my sister was waiting with T while I got a hot dog. An older gentleman approached my sister and asked...

Man: Is this your baby?

Sister: No. He's my nephew.

Man: Why is he so dark?

Sister: Um...because his mom and dad are...

Then she turned away from him signifying that the conversation was over.

People are weird and say even weirder things. This man was likely wondering how a biracial baby was so dark since he would have assumed that one of his parents was white. I wonder what he would have said if I had been with T...

Sometimes it's better to keep your thoughts to yourself.

a new look

2010-06-22T08:02:00.000-07:00

I'm trying out some of the new blogger templates. Bear with me if I switch it up before I decide!

remembering one year ago

2010-06-17T13:25:00.000-07:00

One year ago we were chosen.

One year ago we were giddy with excitement.

One year ago we prepared.

One year ago we met an extraordinary woman and her mother.

One year ago we were invited to a last doctor's appointment and heard a heartbeat.

One year ago we nervously stood outside an OR waiting for news about mom and a baby.

One year ago we were stunned speechless when baby was born very ill.

One year ago decisions about bringing baby into Canada were made for us.

One year ago we cried tears of pain as we said good-bye to a woman we had hoped would become a part of our family...and to a baby with an uncertain future.

One year ago we traveled south with an empty car seat...and traveled home with an empty car seat.

One year ago my heart broke like it never has before.

One year later I am in a very different place.

But the experience of one year ago is a part of my story. My journey.

I will never forget.

9 months old

2010-06-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

Baby T is 9 months old.

How did that happen?

I still remember the 7 lbs baby we met in the hospital. T is now a whooping 23 lbs 7 oz and wearing 12-18 month clothing. A big boy!

So much has changed in our household during the past 9 months. Currently there is very little on our floor -- the kitty's food dish has been moved, the stereo speakers are behind the couch, the vacuum and norwex mop come out more often -- as our little one has started to crawl. He also pulls himself up onto furniture or a pair of legs that are often standing in the kitchen.

T has expressed his opinion over solid food -- "you want me to eat what?!" We're still slowly working on purees and the little turkey will only eat bought baby food! Some days he'll only take 3-4 bites, other times he'll eat 1/2 a jar which is considered successful.

We've experienced the terrors of teething. And have become familiar with baby Tylenol. T now has 2 little teeth which are so cute and sharp!

T is a very serious observant baby. When out in public he often won't crack a smile, he is watching, taking it all in. This makes me wonder what his personality will be like.

His first pool experience was fun...T is a fish! This child has no fear. He slipped while crawling all around the pool and dunked his whole head under water. He popped up before any of us could react and continued on as if nothing had happened! I forsee swimming lessons in the fall.

Sleep in our household continues to be at a premium. The nights are okay but naps have taken a turn for the worst. T will usually only sleep for 40 minutes at each nap. One sleep cycle. He has trouble falling asleep again once slightly aroused at the end of the cycle. Would love to figure this one out. He needs more sleep and I need more of a break!

T is a very cuddly baby. He loves to be held and snuggles with both D and I. We love his tight hugs.

Every once in awhile I listen for his babbling and cute baby sounds and am still amazed that he is here and he is ours. I am so proud and so blessed to be his mama. The past 9 months have been a crazy ride.

One that I never want to get off of.

crash course in transracial parenting

2010-06-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

For everyone who is a transracial adoptive parent or who is considering adopting transracially please take a look at John Raible's must read post crash course in transracial parenting. Looks to be quite a challenging course (I've read a few of the books he has suggested and they aren't easy reads) but worth it.

Wish I could find a few adoptive/prospective adoptive parents in my area who are willing to get down and dirty, talk honesty about the adoptee and first parent perspective, and really invest the time and energy to complete a course like this together.

If you know me, live here, and are interested, please contact me!

please say...#1

2010-05-26T18:21:00.001-07:00

Today I was out with baby T. I brought some new baby clothes that have never been worn to a consignment store. The store owner was very helpful and super nice. She disclosed that she was also an adoptive mom. They adopted their son domestically. She asked me a few questions about T and then asked in the most possible politically correct way...

"Now did you travel to get your little one?"

I immediately realized how she had framed this question. How she had asked where T was from, thinking likely another country but not outright assuming this. Quite different from the lady in the grocery store who, without engaging me in any sort of conversation related to adoption, asked if T was from Haiti.

I will take note of this question and use it in the future when encountering adoptive families.

thoughts about The Wait from a distance

2010-05-23T12:38:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine is waiting.

Waiting for a referral to adopt a child from Ethiopia.

She has been waiting for a very long time.

When I chat with her about waiting and how this has impacted her family life I think about my own waiting time. I actually feel anxious and my blood pressure rises as I immerse myself in her experience during our coffee dates. During those times I need to remember to separate my reality from hers. It hasn't been that long. She is waiting. I am not.

It has been 8 1/2 months since baby T entered our lives and closed the waiting chapter of our journey into parenthood. But I can still quite vividly remember how difficult The Wait was. While I am head over heels in love with T, he doesn't erase that experience. Fellow adoptive parents have mentioned that the waiting and paperwork seems like nothing once you are holding a child. I disagree. That time in my life changed me as a person and the experience will forever impact how I look at building a family. Infertility, the adoption process, and the waiting will always color my vision.

This waiting is one of the reasons that I think we will be a family of three now and forever. There are other reasons for this, which might make it into a post someday, but at this moment I can not imagine ever beginning The Wait again. Even though it would be different because we have a child, I know I would constantly be distracted. Instead I want to enjoy the life that I have as mother to an amazing little boy. To wonder and anticipate and expect is something that I don't desire to do again. Our wait was riddled with hardships and roadblocks, it was not a wait of ease that some (very few) adoptive parents experience.

So to my friend (I know you're reading this!) I hurt for you during your wait. Thank you for the privilege to walk some of this journey with you. And I too will celebrate (wine and chocolate night?) when the waiting is finally over for you too.

Then I think we both may need therapy to help us work through The Wait and all the nastiness it left behind!

my first mother's day

2010-05-13T12:35:00.000-07:00

Firstly, I need to acknowledge the hallmark holiday that Mother's Day is. As well as the fact that this is a hard day for many women. I won't sugar coat it. It's a hard day. I know. I've been there.

I also think about J on this day. I don't have any words to express how difficult this day may be for her. "Birthmother" Day is apparently the day before Mother's Day. I wonder why there is a separate day...and who decided this? How is it that a first mom isn't also acknowledged on Mother's Day...after all she IS a mother.

That said, I embraced my very first Mother's Day.

It was delightful.

D got up with baby T so I would be able to sleep in. Of course I didn't, I heard T as well. But lying in bed for an extra 1/2 hour and knowing that I didn't have to get up was lovely. Then D make me belgium waffles with strawberries and vanilla sauce for breakfast...yum!

After breakfast, and a stint outside so D could organize the house, I took part in a treasure hunt which ended with my gift. D did such a great job with clues, some of them were really tricky! My Mother's Day present was this lovely custom necklace. Good on D to remember all my hints after initially seeing this jewelery well before I became a mother!

Then D stayed at home with T while I went out for lunch with my sister (her hubbie also at home with the kids). After enjoying a yummy meal we were treated to a manicure and pedicure. My Mother's Day adventure ended with dessert....a deep-fried mars bar! Oh so good!

What a lovely day.

Now the pressure is on to plan an excellent Father's Day!

those eyes

2010-04-29T11:49:00.000-07:00

Baby T has beautiful eyes. Stunning really. And I can say that because I played no part in creating them! The first thing strangers comment on when encountering us, is his eyes.

I wonder about those eyes. How will they see the world in the future? Through what lens will they view his story. A story and life determined for him by three adults. How will those eyes look at the pain and loss in his story? Will they find joy and happiness there as well?

When those eyes look at me...really look at me...what do they see? Do those eyes know that I am not his first mom? Not the woman he expected. How will those eyes look at me when he realizes my skin is a different color. Mine the color of privilege and his is not. Do those eyes see my love for him or my uncertainty in the role of mom? Or both.

I, like everyone else, am struck by the beauty in those eyes. I see innocence and unawareness of what is yet to come. I can get lost in those eyes...deep, dark pools. Presently those eyes are observant, always looking and watching, taking everything in. I hurt knowing those eyes will reflect pain, loss, and uncertainty. I understand this is somewhat of a rite of passage that every child, adolescent, and young adult will experience to some degree. But I know there will be an extra layer of grief felt and reflected in those eyes.

Today I look into those dark eyes and smile knowing that for the time being they remain innocent and trusting. The innocence of a child is a beautiful thing.

And I hope I reflect openness and honesty in my eyes as those eyes unravel a story of loss and love.

oa roundtable - money

2010-04-21T09:26:00.000-07:00

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. Click here to link to what other bloggers are writing about this topic.

Does money have an impact on your open adoption? If so, how? (Could be issues pre- or post-placement, expectations, assumptions, costs of visit activities, travel, gifts--you name it.)

Yes. Money impacts adoption. Many different parts of adoption. In this post I'm only speaking from the adoptive parent perspective. Today, I won't even begin to try to wrap my brain around how more often than not, babies are placed for adoption due to financial insecurity in the first family. This sad truth is very real to me.

Money impacts all of life so it makes perfect sense that adoption is included in this. Money has a power in and of itself. It lives and breaths. I don't mean this in a literal sense. But we (as in our society) have placed a great deal of importance and power on coins and paper. Money can take over and rule us -- this is quite apparent in the current North American society.

When we started our adoption journey we knew money would play a role. But we never knew exactly how much.

I can't even adequately express how it feels to turn down a potential adoption situation because of the bottom line. (Thankfully this only happened a couple of times). With our American agency every adoption came with a different price depending on a variety of things. My heart would sink when the dollar amount was over the top too much. It appears that to build a family through adoption requires wealth on the part of the adoptive family. We know people who would pursue adoption but just can't swing it financially. That is sad. Money does not in any way directly lead to happy families.

Our agency wasn't completely forthright with us about the entire cost of an adoption through them. (They used 2006 numbers in their paperwork). We had no idea it would get so expensive. But once you're in the process, you're in it for good. At least we were. We had to readjust our expectations and in the end just live with the fact that this adoption would require more money than we anticipated.

And how can you put a price tag on building a family?

Part of the reason we chose to adopt a child through the States is because of the open adoption potential. To travel from Canada to the US isn't unreasonable. We imagined family trips to visit our child's first family in our future. Considering our adoption has moved to a semi-open status, trips to the US are not imminent. But really we wouldn't be able to visit anyway because of...you guessed it...money. We are tapped out and won't be able to vacation for quite some time.

What I can do is send Christmas and birthday presents, cards and pictures. (And hope she gets them). But money permeates this part of the adoption experience as well, as I wonder how much is appropriate to spend on gifts.

So, yes, money impacts adoption greatly. From decisions about agencies all the way to birthday presents.

baby t's first life book

2010-04-15T18:11:00.000-07:00

Last week, a good friend (whose daughter entered their family through adoption) and I finished making life books for our kids. A project, discussed many times in the past six months, which basically took us three nights to complete. And I love it!

After seriously pondering what sort of paper/binding we would use for this book, I stumbled across blank, white board books for sale at Michaels. (Who knew you could buy blank board books?!). With that discovery we decided to make very simple preschool friendly books with one picture and a bit of text on each page.

The most daunting task was trying to figure out the text. How do you explain placement in two preschool friendly sentences? My friend and I spent an entire evening together writing simple sentences and picking pictures to tell a story.

Then we agonized over how to put the book together. Would double sided tape be sufficient to hold pictures in place? Heaven forbid we'd actually need to hand write the text! And how long would this book last in the hands of a child?

Then the discovery...

Contact paper. Brilliant.

After a late night run to Home Depot to purchase clear contact paper, as I had mistakenly bought frosty paper (they should really label it more clearly!), it took us two late evenings with Starbucks in hand to complete the books.

No hand writing. We printed out the text and pasted it in place.
No worries about little fingers touching pictures and the longevity of the book.

Contact paper really saved the day. (I'm actually not joking here...this was a major turning point in our book making!).

I absolutely love how the books turned out. Although our adoption stories are different, it was an absolute pleasure to design, write, and complete such an important book with such a good friend. T's life book will be one among many in his basket of board books. One that I hope we'll read together many times in the next few years.

And in the end, if the book falls apart I suppose that is a good thing, as then baby T will become familiar with his story and a very important woman who plays a central role.

dear first mommy

2010-04-09T12:06:00.000-07:00

Baby T turned 7 months old this week. This means I'm in the process of preparing a monthly update for J. These letters are a bit daunting. How do I adequately express who this little boy is becoming on paper? What are the best words to use to describe the love I have for her son?

So today as I ponder about what to include in T's 7 month update, I wonder about J. What is it that she would like to know?

Would she like to hear about T's second emergency room visit because of wheezy breathing? And how the doctor asked us if there is asthma in his family history?

Does she want to know about all the super cute things he's doing and how he's developing? Or will that make her miss him even more?

How would she feel knowing that I've been asking strangers for advice on how to manage T's hair? When all I'd really like to do is ask her.

Does she want to hear about how some days are hard? And others are easy?

Would she like to know that at times I struggle claiming the identity of "mom" as my own?

What sort of pictures would she like? Does she only want ones of T or is it okay to include a family picture or two?

Does she want to hear about how D and I are doing in general? Know about our jobs and everyday life?

Would she like to know that every person who meets baby T is completely captivated by his big, brown beautiful eyes? Her eyes.

Is she tired of me expressing our happiness at becoming parents and how we've been blessed beyond belief?

Does she really know how much we respect her and love her? That she is an integral part of our family? That we feel loss because she isn't present?

And there are so many things that I would like to know about her. But most of all I'd like to know how she's doing after placement. Does she have support? In what ways can I help her process the grief? What are we doing that is making the process harder?

What we hoped would be a fully open adoption has become semi-open. There are reasons for this but it still doesn't make it easier to swallow. I sincerely hope that in the future we will be able to develop more open lines of communication with J. And if that needs to still include our agency then so be it. Either way, it's so important for me to connect with her. For T.

Maybe someday. I still have hope. In the meantime, time to work on the update letter. And pick some adorable pics to send of our son.

one more forever family party pic

2010-04-03T19:43:00.000-07:00

Let's just say there was icing everywhere!

it's all about the hair

2010-04-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

Admittedly there are times that baby T's hair and skin care stress me out just a teensy bit! And he's a boy...can't imagine the time and energy that goes into caring for the hair of a girl.

T had his first haircut at 4 months. It was so frizzy, fuzzy, and long on top as well as at the back underneath the stellar bald spot he was sporting. My hairdresser, who was very comfortable cutting T's hair, just trimmed it up and shaved a bit at the back. When I saw him after the cut I almost had tears in my eyes...gone was my baby and here was this big boy smiling at me. (And for all of you that know us personally...yes, I am very aware that my baby has been a big boy for quite some time now!).

His hair is getting longer and a bit fuzzy on the top again and I wasn't sure what to do. Do I get it cut again? Am I using the special hair products correctly? Is there something else I should be doing?

I have no problems asking for advice when it comes to this sort of thing. So this week I ventured out to a new hair salon owned by a black couple. A friend of mine is running their communications and marketing campaign so I had heard of this new boutique already and then a few fellow white moms with brown children had spoken with the owner and had great things to say. I felt this would be a good place to start asking some of my questions specific to T's hair and skin.

I walked into the salon and was greeted by three lovely ladies who immediately fell all over T proclaiming his cuteness! The owner was one of these women and she greeted us with such warmth and openness. I'm always just a tad bit nervous when approaching people of color because I'm not entirely sure what they will think about my family. I love the way my family looks but not everyone else will. The salon owner didn't even hesitate once during our conversation about T and as we chatted I became more and more comfortable with her.

We talked about T's hair and skin for probably 20 minutes. I told her about the "it's a curl" products we are using (shampoo, wash-out conditioner, and leave-in conditioner). I asked her about daily hair care. We chatted a bit about other products available. And finally I asked some questions about skin care.

Turns out we are doing a fairly good job at keeping our munchkin looking good! I did learn something really important tough. She sprayed some leave-in conditioner on T's hair and combed it. As I watched her I realized that she had just inadvertently taught me something...how to comb his hair! Such a seemingly simple task and for most white moms of white children this is a no brainer. The next day I used my leave-in conditioner and combed it the same way she did and success! His hair looks so much better for longer during the day now.

The other thing we've done to improve the look of his hair is start using satin. A friend sewed a lovely blue satin band that fits around T's crib mattress. So baby T sleeps on satin and it really does work to keep his hair looking nice after naps.

I will go back to this salon in the future. It's really important to me that T's hair is cut by someone who knows what they are doing and that this person has brown skin. In the end I didn't purchase anything from the salon but I gained some valuable advice. The owner gave me her card with her email address on it and said to email or call anytime with questions. How sweet and I will definitely take her up on that offer. I've also been thinking about ways she may be able to connect with other transracial families that live here. I'd love to attend a class about hair and skin care for brown babies. I might have to put the bug in her ear!

So the hair is looking pretty good around here.

Now if I could only figure out how to stop people from messing with his hair...

forever family party

2010-03-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

We celebrated our adoption finalization day last weekend. Baby T got a cake. Too fun!

oa interview project

2010-03-22T13:26:00.000-07:00

What an interesting thing this internet is. I love how people from all over the world can become so connected via a screen, keyboard, and mouse (okay there are just a few wires involved also, but you get my drift!). Heather at Production, Not Reproduction is a connecting point for many of us involved in open adoptions. She recently randomly assigned Interview Project participants with a partner blog to interview and be interviewed by.

I was assigned to Debbie at Always and Forever Family. Debbie's blog was new to me and it was a pleasure getting to know her and her family during the past couple of weeks. Debbie is an adoptive mom to adorable Isabel who turns 2 years old in April. At Always and Forever Family, Debbie candidly chronicles their open adoption journey. She also blogs at Belle's Curls a site dedicated to the ins and outs of biracial hair care. As a side note, Isabel's hair is gorgeous!

You can check out her interview of me and other participants as well.

1. How have you managed to work at acknowledging the loss side of adoption while also living in the joy?
This is a tough one. When it comes to our relationship with Isabel's birth family I have to put the loss aside to have joy. I spent too much time honoring the grief that I knew was there and was not able to enjoy being a mother. It makes me feel selfish to answer it this way but it's honest. Loss for Isabel, I guess I hope she will feel a little less loss because we have birth family in her life. Although it's only her birth mom's side but she'll be there to answer questions about her birthdad. My loss is just insignificant. But to keep the joy for me or rather find the balance between the two; I blog and I talk to friends who have adopted. I also attend mom's groups with other adoptive moms and other adoption related events.

2. What is one thing that has surprised you the most about the adoption journey?
How easy it was to love. Not just a child I didn't give birth to. But to love the woman who gave birth to her and her family as well. How completely strangers became family because of a little baby.

3. What has been the hardest to work through after bringing Isabel home?
It took me 18 months including mild depression to truly feel like a mom. It wasn't as easy journey. Everything I did included her birthmom if only in my mind. It wasn't until after a friend pointed it out to me that I realized this and just how serious it was. To get through it I had my husband reminding me why she picked us to be Isabel's parents. I did a lot of looking at myself and what I was doing. I slacked off on sending so many little updates so I could just enjoy my daughter. Now I can include her in all the fun and the not so fun stuff knowing that I am her mom.

4. How have you as a family worked to celebrate being transracial?
We're still working on it, I think we always will be. Some things we try to do is have books, toys, ets not just that match our daughter but all races. We also have a playgroup with other adoptive moms where she sees families like us. Her daycare and our church and neighborhood are very diverse. We'll always do our best to keep things like that when/if we move.

We haven't figured out how to incorporate holidays and such in a balanced way. When we don't celebrate our own heritage (German, Swedish, Irish, etc) we wonder how to celebrate hers without pointing it our and making it obvious.

5. What is it like to live in the States as a transracial family?
In our particular area it's fantastic about 90% of the time. There are occasions where we feel eyes following us, trying to figure us out. But aside from the 'We'd you get her?' comments we don't get many around home. Although I was once asked 'What's she mixed with?' She is; AA, Hispanic & Caucasion.

I've found that when it is just myself and my daughter the white community is less accepting thinking I'm married to a black man. But when it is the 3 of us we get lots of smiles and comments on how pretty she is.

If we travel outside our metro area it gets a little harder. If we go to places away from home it's very white. I wish I could forget eating at Subway and having a lady look at us in disgust and say 'that just ain't right.' I was grateful that I didn't hear it but my husband told me later. But those are few as well. For the most part we've been very accepted.

a forever family

2010-03-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

It is official. In the eyes of the law we are now a forever family.

After all the drama that has occurred surrounding our finalization hearing I am just so relieved that it is done. Last week on March 10th, our American lawyer entered a court room to show our information to the judge. He presented 3 post-placement reports completed by our social worker, 3 medical reports, along with pictures of T. All of that, plus the additional paperwork this particular judge required, and eight days later our adoption of baby T is final. Complete. Done.

Anti-climactic.

We have never thought of or treated T as anything other than our son since the day we took custody. He's been using our last name for six months even though it wasn't "officially" his yet.

Regardless of how this feels, today is an important milestone. Perhaps more important than the day he learns how to walk or talk. Today marks the day that according to everyone, we are officially a family of three. Today we celebrate the final step in the adoption process.

This also means we start the process of waiting once again. We will wait for a copy of the adoption decree and his new birth certificate which will allow us to finish the permanent residency process and finally get T on our provincial medical card. And then Canadian citizenship. Even though we've entered another waiting game it is different than the first. T is ours. We are a family. We will wait for the papers to arrive on our door step, but in the meantime we get to watch our sweet pea grow and develop...such a good distraction! We are so blessed to be the parents of this very special little boy. Every day I look at him and wonder if I can fall more in love with him...and every day I do.

On Sunday we will celebrate our journey with family and a few close friends who have been touched by adoption. This will be a good thing. Celebrating with others. Might help to make it feel more real and more of the big deal that it is.

Yep, it has really happened.

We are a forever family.

adoption finalization drama

2010-03-10T15:32:00.001-08:00

I was preparing a post today about our court date this morning and how after 9:45 am we would officially be a forever family according to the legal system.

Then I received a call from our American lawyer's office.

It seems as though there were some hiccups. First of all, we now have a different judge. For some reason the judge's go back and forth between residing over civil and criminal cases. Our original judge was assigned to oversee criminal cases which means a new judge took his civil files. This new judge was not pleased that we weren't present for the hearing. We went to court with T six months ago when the petition was initially filed and the judge agreed that since he had met us he was okay with our lawyer standing in as our proxy for the finalization hearing. This is often done in this State. It appears as if our new judge wasn't happy about this ruling and then proceeded to poke his nose in our paperwork.

The end result is that this judge wants more information to prove that our adoption of T was pre-Hague and also needs our total Canadian adoption fee breakdown. So now we scramble to get that information and locate a notary public. And then pay through the nose to send the documents to the US so they get there yesterday.

Nothing with regards to T obtaining permanent residency, Canadian citizenship, and most importantly getting him on our provincial health card can happen until the judge signs the adoption decree. I really thought that after today this part of our adoption journey would be over. That we could move on. I should have known better.

The finalization process is sort of anti-climactic to begin with since we've had custody of T this whole time. But I thank the legal system for dragging this last step in the mud and making it even more anti-climactic. Now our lawyer just drops off the documents and we won't know the day or time that the judge signs the decree ahead of time. I don't know why, but nothing related to our adoption process has been easy and at every turn there is new drama to share.

We planned a party with our families to celebrate our "forever family." Thank goodness it didn't work to plan it this weekend. I really hope that everything will be completed before the party date, seems silly to celebrate something that hasn't happened. But with our luck, the postal service will go on strike.

6 months ago

2010-03-08T15:09:00.000-08:00

Six months ago today we met you for the very first time. Never did we realize how completely captivated we would become with you. Nor the way you have captured our hearts like nothing else.

Happy six months sweet pea...we love you!

oa roundtable - success in open adoption

2010-02-25T15:05:00.000-08:00

there is little "for granted" in adoption

2010-02-22T08:17:00.000-08:00

In general bio families take many things for granted that we in the adoption world can't or don't. Bio moms, if they should so choose, often take monthly pictures to show their swelling belly and these can be used one day to talk with their child about where baby grew. Bio children can look at these pictures and will someday be able to internalize that they are in that bump. Many take this for granted.

Bio families usually have an ultrasound appointment during which they can hear a baby's heartbeat, determine sex, and in the end choose to purchase the picture. I know many first time moms who do pay the exorbitant fee for that picture because of the keepsake it is for them and for baby. Many take this for granted.

When I was thinking through some of my "ideal" adoption scenarios they included a picture of our child's first mom pregnant as well as ultrasound pictures. Ideal, yes, but not impossible. When we were picked by A to adopt her son she had a c-section scheduled so we were able to fly out and meet her while still pregnant. We took so many pictures of all three (I guess four!) of us. A then invited us to her last doctor's appointment where we were able to hear the baby's heartbeat. A very emotional experience for us all. And right after we met A she hauled out a stack of ultrasound pictures and gave them to us.

An ideal situation.

Which did not turn out as expected.

When J picked us to parent her son we knew we would likely be unable to meet her while still pregnant. I asked J if it was possible to get someone to take a picture of her pregnant so we would have that to show baby someday. J agreed and her worker said she would gladly take some photos. When we arrived at the hospital to meet with J and baby, we first met with our agency worker and with J's. J's worker mentioned that she got some great shots of J pregnant as well as baby shortly after birth (it was 16 hrs after birth that we met J and baby). I was so excited about this news, but sort of distracted and ready to throw up due to nerves as we were about to meet J in person and her baby who may become our son. Honestly I didn't think about those pictures again during the two weeks we spent in the US before coming home. I trusted that J's worker would get the pictures to us, after all I couldn't have been the first prospective adoptive mom to make this request and I assumed she would look after it. Since arriving at home I have repeatedly contacted our agency asking about those pictures. J's worker has since resigned so I'm unable to speak directly with her. It took months but we just found out that the disposable camera that they were supposedly on is not the right camera. The agency thinks that camera went home by mistake with J. We have still been unable to re-establish communication with J, this we are definitely working on.

But in the meantime I am sad at the loss of those pictures. It's different to feel loss when you know it is something you will never have versus something that was within grasp and now is gone. I am also so mad at myself for not thinking more thoroughly through the process. I should know by now that you must be your own advocate in adoption. Why did I rely on someone else to follow through? Why did I put my trust in someone else with something that was so important to me? I should have asked for the camera and developed the photos on my own. I understand it is not healthy or helpful to play the shoulda, coulda, woulda game, but I can't help thinking back. I was just so darn distracted with a newborn baby in my arms!

J also mentioned after choosing us to parent her child that she had an ultrasound picture of baby that she wanted to give to us. Again, I wasn't thinking straight to ask J about it once meeting her and baby. She did not have to give us that picture, I would have even made a copy had she agreed to that. But I didn't even have the conversation with her to know if the offer was still on the table. I hope someday she can show baby T his ultrasound picture on her own. Now that would be ideal. But in the meantime I again kick myself about not following through with her initial offer.

I was waiting for the belly shot of J before starting baby T's toddler version of his lifebook. I really wanted to have that picture in his book.

No picture.

Another disappointment and another reminder that there is very little that you can take for granted in adoption.

on children

2010-02-19T12:27:00.000-08:00

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

- Kahlil Gibran

honey...i went shopping for the kid

2010-02-17T14:35:00.000-08:00

Blast those baby stores with all of their cute, fun, trendy, baby clothes!

Every time I walk into above said stores I experience great internal conflict. Due to the always rising cost of adoption services we are financially in quite a different place than we were one year ago. This is from which most of my struggle stems from.

Let me set the stage. Not only did we receive baby clothes as gifts, we have been given some second hand baby clothes which is so generous. Baby T certainly has enough clothes to get him through the summer, especially if we do a couple loads of laundry weekly.

The dilemma. I am finally in a place where I can look at and purchase baby clothes for MY BABY. Not someone else's. No longer do I feel that heart-hurting, longing feeling when passing a kids clothing store. I now get to go in the store and look at clothes for a REAL baby that is my own. I love that we have such generous friends and family and am so thankful for the clothes (and toys). Yet, I too want to pick out and buy new clothes for my child, not only use hand me downs. I want to choose some of the super cute outfits from Gymboree for T and not only use clothing from Old Navy.

But this is not very fiscally responsible of me.

Then I think about how T will likely be my only child. Why am I spending money on clothing that will never be used in my house again? But one could also argue that because he could be my only child this would be the one and only time I get to look at, oogle over, awww about, and purchase wee little clothes. Buying clothes for a 3 year old doesn't sound nearly as much fun.

Therein lies my internal conflict.

Today I purchased two cute outfits from Gymboree for T (at a pretty good price). Then I did an inventory of all his summer/fall clothing (it's all lying on the living room floor at the moment!). I called a very good friend who has 3 boys (2 through adoption) to talk about realistic summer needs for a one year old and vented about my dilemma.

And tomorrow...

I am going back to Gymboree to pick up two more outfits.

moms groups

2010-02-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

I've been attending a parenting/moms group in my community area. This has been an interesting experience for many reasons.

A part of my job is to facilitate healthy baby groups in a different area of the city from where I live. When I entered the room of the parenting group in my area as a mom for the first time, I didn't feel like a mom, my role remained that of professional. I've been working in child and maternal health for a long time so I can quite easily slide into this role. I have been a mom for only 5 months and it still doesn't come "naturally" to me to view myself in this way.

I'm not sure if attending these moms groups is of benefit or detriment to my confidence in motherhood. The first time I went I was so nervous to take T out of the car seat. Not because I am embarrassed about him but because It is quite obvious that I did not birth this child. I was not pregnant, I did not labor and deliver, and I experienced the newborn post-partum period in a very different way. Moms groups just seem to ooze pregnancy and delivery, there is a specific aura to them that I can't quite explain. No one has outwardly made me feel awkward or unwelcome. But yet I just don't feel like I completely belong.

The second time I attended this group the topic was supposed to be on "stroller fitness" which I thought would be interesting and perhaps there would be a fun demo. After sitting down and getting baby T situated on the mat I looked at the topic board and saw "pre and post-natal fitness"....eek...I would not have attended this group had I known! At one point the speaker had everyone lie down on the mats so she could check for abdominal separation (diastasis recti) which can happen during pregnancy and impact activity post-natally. I quickly busied myself with T so that it wasn't awkward that I didn't participate.

I do have commonalities with all these moms considering we are all parenting. But for some reason that seems to evaporate for me as soon as I enter the door. Instead I anticipate the differences.

I just find it so interesting that I feel completely comfortable in my role as professional at parenting groups and I am easily able to interact and get to know the moms. Now that I have become one of "them" I am much more unsure of myself and my role - I wonder if I would feel different with a bio kid...maybe or maybe not.

Perhaps the moms group thing isn't my cup of tea. I'm not so nervous and unsure of myself when in public in general. Moms can be extremely cliquey. This is not who I want to be. I love to talk about T and how he has brought new meaning to my life but I am much more than that and do prefer to have conversations on differing topics as well. I initially thought a local area parenting group would be a good thing because the group is more structured with a speaker and this would decrease potential awkwardness at not knowing anyone. But maybe attending an unstructured group of women who I know and who know how baby T entered our family is better for me at the moment. I may feel more free to speak about our family and how some of my questions and concerns are different from moms raising bio children.

One more recent example of cliquey moms. To get some exercise I recently started mall walking in the wee hours right after T gets up and before his first nap in the morning. I take the BOB stroller (which we absolutely LOVE!) and cruise around with my munchkin. I'm walking with mostly older folks but one morning I noticed a congregation of women and strollers. This, I assume, was a stroller walking group complete with a leader. They walked only parts of the mall loop and stopped at carpeted sections in front of the department stores to do stretches and lunges. Not once when passing these stroller toting moms did one look my way and smile or offer a nod of recognition that I too was stroller pushing. And there was really no way for them to see that baby T was brown skinned because no one even paused enough to glance over, so this could not have been the reason. Just another cliquey group of women!

I've decided that I will try attending the parenting group a few more times and see how it goes. I'm curious to see if and when someone asks me a question about my family. I'm positive everyone is thinking it. I don't need to explain our family but sometimes it is easier once it's out there.

for real?

2010-02-10T13:25:00.000-08:00

Oh, I just read this excellent post by Heather at Production Not Reproduction as she discusses this. I just don't understand the logic of some people. In the words of an old co-worker of mine..."I'm so tired of stupid people!"

And by the way, my tee-shirt today is a solid white.

our last post-placement visit

2010-02-02T23:51:00.000-08:00

Last week Thursday was our last visit with our social worker, our last post-placement report, and the last time we'll have to clean the house in that weird "we know it doesn't really matter but will she think we're better parents if everything looks put together..." kind of way.

The post-placement visits really haven't been that difficult. We mostly talk about how T is doing. The first time we chatted about the the whole adoption experience and our time in the US, as well as how we were adjusting to being parents, but since then it's all been about T and his development. Well at 4 1/2 months he weighed 18 lbs 3 oz so we all know he's growing! By now our social worker feels more like a family friend versus a VIP guest (although we do still madly clean the house before her visits!), due to the timing of her visit on Thursday we had her over for dinner while we completed our last report. She has seen us at our best and worst when it comes to adoption, it was really nice to end our time with her on a high note.

So now what, you might ask.

Our adoption of baby T will be finalized 6 months after we took custody of him. He has a court date in the US scheduled for March 9th, 2010.

Most of the time when we mention to people that the adoption will be final at the 6 month mark we observe a slightly confused and nervous manner in whomever has prompted such a response from us. I am quick to say that no decisions can be revoked because I can see the question formulating..."can his birth mom come back to take him?" I hate it when I hear this question. Not because I am concerned about her very important and much needed role in his life, but because of how it is asked. I know people are only thinking of us and their concern for us if they are thinking we might have to give him back. But to me that question just sounds so crass. It makes me think of all the poorly produced TV drama's showcasing legal battles between birth and adoptive families, of how first mothers are demoralized in society, and how more often than not people think negatively about first moms. It may not be right for me to jump in and answer the question before it is even asked - perhaps letting people know that T's first mom has legally relinquished her rights may say something about me that I am unaware of. I just don't want to be in the position of having to reassure someone that no one can take him away from us, it makes me feel like we don't have a valid family and that I am speaking badly about T's first mom.

Basically, the reason finalization occurs at 6 months is because the court requires 3 post-placement reports along with 3 medical reports and pictures to make sure that we are keeping up our end of our custody agreement and taking good care of him. If we were found to be unfit parents then our adoption of T wouldn't be finalized and he would be adopted by another family.

Due to some fancy footwork by our lawyer in the US, he is able to stand in as our proxy for our March 9th court date. This is a very good thing because cash flow is tight around here and a trip to the US is not in the current budget! Once the adoption is finalized we will receive documents which we can send to Canadian immigration so he can finally become a permanent resident. This is important because one's he's a resident then we can get him on our provincial medical card and can stop paying for all his doctor appointments! You sure realize what a fabulous benefit universal health care is when you don't have it!

We are planning a finalization party with family and some close friends in March. This is not to signify a "gotcha day" (I'm not really a fan of those) or anything else other than to mark the end to this part of our adoption journey. Most of the paperwork will then be finished (we'll still have the Canadian citizenship process to work though) as well as dealing with adoption agencies...and that alone is something to celebrate!

haiti and adoption

2010-01-29T09:14:00.000-08:00

I just read this great article "adopting a child from Haiti" and how this is not the best emotional knee jerk answer to the grave situation in this country. Totally agree.

I also noted on the side bar of the website a link to this article about sending breast milk to Haiti as a way to help. I LOVE that and would absolutely do it if I could.

Lastly, the other day while in the grocery store with baby T a woman stopped me to ask if he was from Haiti...what the heck?! Please people, think!

turning 30 what?

2010-01-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

Somehow it happened again. I just turned another year older. The big 3-5. This is the year after which fertility dramatically decreases and potential complications in pregnancy dramatically increase.

Is this the official end of my ticking clock?

To hell with the clock!

This year marks the beginning for me. The start of a brand new exciting chapter in life. Screw declining fertility rates and pregnancy complications...I am the mother of an exceptional little boy and this is what brings me life and joy! Although my experience of infertility and the adoption process will always color my vision, I won't look back...only forward.

I anticipate a year of healing, the rebuilding of hope, and absolute joy.

This isn't quite how I planned it but life is good and I am a yummy mummy at 35!

And onward I march towards 40 which means a birthday celebration in New York City with a dear friend of mine! Bring it on!

one special christmas gift

2010-01-19T16:03:00.000-08:00

Baby T received many special gifts this Christmas, the most striking being this beautiful Noah's Ark complete with animals 2 by 2 that D's dad made.

please don't say...#5

2010-01-16T19:43:00.000-08:00

Most of the time when we encounter strangers T and I get big smiles and "he's SO cute!" So far no one has made really inconsiderate comments about our family.

However, the comment we have heard over and over is...

"I always wanted a black baby."

I am extremely irritated by this statement and my return reply is always "then you should have married a black man."

I did not pick T off the shelves of Zellers, choosing a black baby because of the novelty that it is. We thought long and hard about being open to different races when choosing to build our family through adoption. The fact that we are a transracial family changes each of our lives in very significant ways. D and I need to be extremely intentional in how we parent and will not be able to take certain things for granted that families of the same color do.

I think what irritates me the most when people tell me they always wanted a black baby is that they will never look at our family in 4 years and say they always wanted a black toddler, or in 14 years and they always wanted a black teenager, or that they always wanted a black son-in-law. Let's face it, in general, black babies are cuter then white babies and this is by far the reason people make the above statement.

Yes, he is absolutely adorable. But please don't tell me you always wanted a black baby, which in a round about way implies that he is an accessory, a novelty, and belittles our intentional decisions on how to build our family.

on maternity leave

2010-01-14T14:30:00.000-08:00

Last year in June I got a new job...my dream job. Since we didn't know when the adoption would happen I applied for this job thinking that I needed to stop putting my life on hold hoping for a child soon. This job is perfect for me in so many different ways but a real advantage for the future is that it is part-time.

Then in September we were chosen by J to parent her son T! However since I had only been working at my new job for 3 months I was only allowed to take a short leave of absence to go get him and once we got back home I needed to go back to work right away. In Canada the labor law states that you need to have been working at a job for at least 7 months to take any extended leave of absence. So D and I have both worked part-time for the last 4 months. It was hard to leave my boys at home in the morning but once I got to work I did great (remember, this is my dream job!). And the last few months have allowed D to bond with T in ways he otherwise wouldn't have.

And now my 7 months of work is up and this is the first official month of my maternity leave. Yay! In Canada we get a paid one year maternity leave with each child -- technically the year is broken down to 17 weeks of maternity and 37 weeks of parental leave. The maternity leave must be taken by the mom and the parental leave can be taken by either parent or shared, etc.

Because T entered our family through adoption I am only eligible for the parental leave. The maternity leave portion of the year is saved for women who have birthed a child. Bah! I view this as discrimination but then what do I know! This law has been fought in British Columbia by adoption advocates but to no avail.

Oh well. In the end I am glad for the next 37 weeks (9 months) off with my precious son.

oa roundtable - open adoption commitments

2010-01-09T07:07:00.000-08:00

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. Click here to link to what other bloggers are writing about this topic.

Call them resolutions, commitments, changes, or choices--how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?

I don't like New Year's resolutions. They are typically made to be broken. And something seems so unintentional about making commitments for betterment at only one time of the year. I think making life changes and commitments is more likely a fluid process which happens all throughout the year. But there is something to actually naming commitments, putting them out there for yourself and others to see. So as I look ahead to the next 12 months with regards to our open adoption I desire to:

- continue to pursue a more open relationship with J. For this to really happen we need to...

- determine the involvement our American agency will continue to have in our open adoption. Currently all our pictures and letters are sent through the agency to J. This means that they read our letters to her as a form of censorship (they wouldn't use this language but that's exactly what it is). We actually got a call from the agency in December because we included an email address in our 3rd month letter. They wanted to alert us to this and inform us that we now needed to sign a form that we are okay with J having access to email and they would send J a form to sign that she was okay with it as well. How ridiculous. A number of people at the agency know that we gave J our email address in person after T was born so why has this become an issue now? We all know why, it's about liability and protection for the agency. J knows our last name and the province we live in so all she needs to do is google us and she would find loads of personal information. The world we live in isn't exactly private so how silly that we get into "trouble" for including an email address (that she already has) in a letter. It disturbs me that others are reading the letters we send to J. Our letters and pictures go through the agency for the first 6 months until finalization after which we have the choice to cut them out. Of course we need to sign a whole slew of documents to do this. But to cut them out we need to have access to J's information. So we've now come full circle to my first commitment to pursue a more open relationship with J and the first step in that is working on developing direct lines of communication.

Lastly, I commit to continuing to be an educator about adoption and further work to dispel prevailing myths. This really is my life commitment.

2009: the good, bad, and ugly

2010-01-05T17:18:00.000-08:00

The year 2009 doesn't exactly bring with it warm fuzzy memories. The grief I experienced this year was so devastating it almost took my breath away.

I have been told by other adoptive moms that I would forget the trials and tribulations that go hand in hand with the adoption process once baby came. I suppose this is similar to someone who experiences the pain of child birth being told they will also forget. However, I do know women who have not forgotten their labor experience and I have not forgotten mine. A good friend recently asked me now that baby T is here do I think differently about the last 18 months. My answer was an unequivocal no! T does not erase the grief I have felt or the hope lost. He does bring new hope and joy to my life but 2009 has overwhelmingly been one of my hardest years.

I know the feelings of pain and grief will dull and change with time. My heart doesn't hurt the same way it did 8 years ago after my father died but I can vividly remember those first days and weeks. The pain 2009 brought me will also dull, but it will never be forgotten or belittled in my eyes. It was very real.

So here is my "good, bad, and ugly" of 2009 (and not necessarily in that order):

The Bad: For me the adoption process in general has been "bad." After being given expectations of a really short wait time from our agency to wait as long as we did was really difficult. The mind games I played with myself were especially hard -- would it be this week, the next, ever? I really did convince myself that it would never happen which is why when T did enter our lives I was shell shocked for so long. At every turn during this process we experienced more drama with our two agencies than I can even explain. Bottom line: it was rough.

The Ugly: The ugly occurred on June 30th when A's baby was born so sick we couldn't adopt him. I think my heart actually broke that day. Walking away from that baby, and especially A, was the absolute most difficult thing I have ever had to do. People say that God only allows (I do not mean cause) things to happen that we can handle...honestly...I don't believe that.

And last, but certainly not least...

The Good: is without a doubt baby T. The word "good" doesn't even begin to describe what he has brought to my life. He is a blessing and D and I have been given the great privilege and honor to raise him.

I suspect that 2010 will look different. For this I am eternally grateful and relieved. I'm ready to find hope and joy again...and this will be the year.

christmas 2009

2009-12-31T14:03:00.000-08:00

What a difference a year makes. I know this is so cliche.

Last year in December, D and I got our first situation. What we didn't realize at the time was this would be the first of many "situations."

A "situation" is what our American agency calls it when we, along with other hopeful couples, are preliminarily matched with an expectant mom. We then wait to hear about her decision in choosing to parent or choosing a family to place her child. Sometimes we waited a day or two, but most of the time we waited for weeks.

One year ago we were naive and Innocent to this process. When we got that first call from our agency we thought this was really happening for us. I remember telling family and a few close friends with excitement. And I definitely remember what it was like to feel that Innocent joy that believes in possibility.

Last year around Christmas we found out that we would not become parents in 2008 like we had so desperately hoped. This made every family gathering and get together extremely difficult as moms, babies, and children were everywhere.

This year was different. This year I too was a mom. This year I too had responsibilities that went beyond eating too much and opening presents. It's hard to find the right words to accurately describe how this felt.

It was sweet joy.

At an extended family gathering where my aunts and uncles met baby T for the first time, I think I glowed just a bit. Maybe no one else saw it, but I felt it. D didn't get to hold T much that day, I needed to be the mom and bask in the wonderment and newness of it all.

This holiday season I caught a glimpse of the vast, unconditional love God has for me. I have fallen in love with my son and that makes for the absolute best Christmas gift.

oa roundtable

2009-12-17T16:37:00.000-08:00

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. Click here to link to what other bloggers are writing about this topic.

The instructions this time around are to write about open adoption and the holiday season.

I must admit that with my current reality of working part-time and becoming a mom I hadn't put much thought into the holidays and our open adoption. At the best of times I'm scattered at Christmas and this year has left me much more disorganized.

I had been thinking about how different the holiday season is this year with baby T -- pondering traditions we want to build as a family and how it feels to actually be a family this year. I'd been thinking about how this is T's first Christmas and how I want to make it a special experience for all of us. Then Heather's OA question brought me to a different place. Even though I think about T's birth mom all the time I hadn't fully thought through her holiday experience this year and how that will impact my own.

We have limited contact with J. We send monthly letters and pictures to our American agency who forwards them to her. We exchanged email addresses with J but except for a couple of texts in September we haven't heard from her. So I feel disconnected from J. Earlier this month I inquired at our agency if any of our packages to J have come back, none have, so I assume she is getting them. This is good news.

This week, D, T, and I went Christmas shopping for J and her daughter (T's half sister). We got them both special gifts that I'm pretty sure they'll love. I wish I could hand deliver the presents and see their expressions as they open them. But for now this is our reality. I hope things will change in the future and our contact with J will be more open. There are some good reasons why we have limited contact with J at this time but that doesn't make it any easier. She is a very real part of T and that makes her a pivotal member of our family.

Our experience of what family means and looks like is now different. So while we celebrate the holidays with mine and D's families, it will be apparent that an important part of our family is missing. It will be fulfilling to experience Christmas as a mom, but I am aware of another mom who will have a different Christmas holiday this year.

my sad dad day

2009-12-13T05:41:00.000-08:00

Today is the anniversary of my father's death. I can't believe it has been 8 years since I heard him laugh, listened to his funny excited noises while watching sports, watched him maneuver a toothpick like some sort of pro, or smelled his aftershave. I miss him.

I would have loved to have had the opportunity to introduce my dad to baby T. I wonder what he would have thought. Would he have had questions about adoption or about our openness to race? What would he have done when we arrived home with T? I would have loved to see my dad as a grandpa. He would have been excellent.

The days leading up to today have not been as difficult as usual. I am now somewhat distracted! I didn't even loathe Christmas shopping like usual. Having T in our lives does bring new perspective to me at this time of year. Slowly my experience of the holiday season is changing from grief filled to one seen through the eyes of a child. For this I am thankful.

I will never forget my dad and how my life changed significantly on this day years ago, but the grief continues to be reshaped as time marches on. And someday I will introduce T to my father, I will tell him stories of growing up with a great role model and a caring, loving dad. My prayer is that T grows up to be the kind of man my dad was.

tee time

2009-12-12T21:58:00.000-08:00

We have many friends who live far, far away who would love to be closer to see and experience baby T growing up. To help our friends and family who aren't able to pop by for regular visits feel included in our lives, I have set up a private blog where pictures of T will be posted.

Please send me an email at eyeswideopenmotherhood[at]gmail[dot]com or my personal email if you would like an invitation to view his blog. As long as I sort of "know" who you are, you'll be invited!

out and about with baby T

2009-12-11T14:20:00.000-08:00

It is a rare thing to find me at home. For most people to have a baby means becoming somewhat house bound. From day one with baby T we needed to be out and about. There was adoption paperwork, legal paperwork, a court appearance, passport application, plus the need for D and I to stay fed and watered. Because we were many miles away from home there was no support in the form of meals (that came later and boy was it appreciated!) or available arms to hold T when D and I desperately needed to nap.

However, the fact that we were on our own away from the comforts of home was also a blessing. We had no choice but to go out with a 3 day old. We quickly became accustomed to feeding in the back seat while stopped in a parking lot, to diaper changes in the lawyer's office, to using Harvey Karp's calming techniques in the aisles of Target.

Although...I do vividly remember our first real restaurant experience with T. We had scoped out a popular local place and without thinking (let's blame baby brain!) we went on a saturday evening. T was sleeping soundly in the car seat but we of course had to wait quite some time for a table. Once inside we were seated at a table beside a loud cooling fan for the kitchen. And unbeknown to us there was a live band...which was way too loud. I became extremely nervous. We had already waited so long for a table and now were sitting in less than ideal surroundings. D asked the waiter to turn down the fan and then we talked through our plan of action should T wake up (he was feeding every 1 1/2 - 2 hrs). We formulated a plan for every possible scenario which helped, but I was still wondering why we had been so stupid to try this restaurant on the weekend! D and I basically inhaled our food and high tailed it out of there as fast as we could. And of course, T slept through the entire event, completely unaware of all the drama. Our next restaurant experience that week was much less anxiety producing and by now we're old pros at it!

The 2 weeks we spent in the States contributed to our willingness and ability to go out with T and feel comfortable in most situations. But I think the reason why I am often vacant from home has less to do with comfort and more to do with my exploration of motherhood. I think I feel this need to be out in public, to have people witness me caring for T, to feel like a mom. I'm not trying to be attention seeking, this is totally different. When I'm out there are people thinking about me as a mom which causes me to think the same of myself. I want to be clear though that in no way do I want my role as mom to define who I am - I am so much more than that - but in this moment of time I need to feel it.

The irony found in that I currently need to be seen with a baby when just a few short months ago it was torturous to see moms and babies all around is not lost on me. Life is strange and difficult. I do continue to think of the women who are living the reality I lived this past year. But at the same time I have to care for myself and know and understand what I need. It's just interesting to me that traipsing T all over the countryside will play a significant role in my journey into motherhood.

too funny

2009-12-08T14:31:00.000-08:00

D goes to a local Healthy Baby group every Tuesday morning with baby T. We think it is both hilarious and great that he goes! Today at group T got his first "marriage proposal" of sorts. One of the moms commented on how cute he is (let's face it, he's quite the gerber baby!) and that perhaps an arranged marriage with her daughter could be planned! Ha ha! Too funny!

yummy

2009-12-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

My sister and I made these super yummy chocolate sugar cookies for a Christmas family gathering today. These are my ABC* cookie cutters that I received from a dear friend of mine.

*Already Been Chewed...

wordless wednesday

2009-12-02T16:20:00.000-08:00

baby t is an "other"

2009-11-24T17:31:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I filled out a form to add T to my work insurance plan. I needed to complete the section titled "addition of dependent spouse and/or child." These were my options...

Legal spouse
Common law spouse
Natural son
Natural daughter
Other

Mmmm....

I was less than impressed with these options. I understand what they mean and given the common occurrence of blended families today they couldn't possibly include all potential categories (for lack of a better word). However, I would have preferred the word biological versus natural. Is T unnatural? And there must be a better way to format this form.

Why does it matter anyway to my employer whether or not my spouse is legal or common law? If my son entered our family through biology or adoption? A spouse should be a spouse and a child a child. Either way I need to show documentation that I have a dependent and my coverage doesn't change depending on how my child entered my family. (For that matter, what difference does it make if the child is male or female?).

Checking off the "other" box contributes to my feelings that I haven't earned motherhood. That I'm not a "real" mom. Thanks, Blue Cross, for your help in this.

Oh, and I will be writing them a letter. I've already got the name of the person to send it too. I can work for change...one form at a time!

an outsider within

2009-11-15T18:03:00.000-08:00

I'm borrowing the title and concept of the book Outsiders Within for this blog post because it is just so fitting and I couldn't resist. If you are touched by international and transracial adoption this is a must read.

During a recent get together with other women who have children I was struck by the feeling of being a part of the group, but yet not...

An outsider within.

I can relate to many of the topics discussed about infant care but when the "let me tell you about my labor experience" comes up I am unable to participate. Or when moms talk about how junior looks just like so and so. I can talk about how my son looks like his birth mom and how I labored in my own way to have a child but this isn't really what people want to hear about at that particular time. I don't want to stop their conversation by adding in my own reality because it feels sort of awkward.

For so long I worked to intentionally avoid conversations related to pregnancy and delivery. Now I find myself a part of this mom club where inevitably the a fore mentioned topics are discussed. Although I'm sure no one thinks twice about the fact that I became a mother through adoption, I feel like an outsider, like I don't completely belong to the club.

But yet I do belong.

Even though I don't feel it at the moment, the outsider within view will likely allow me to gain unique insights that may not be available to those who have entered into parenthood the "regular" way. My experience of parenting will be different. Not completely different in every way but perhaps the uniqueness of my family will enrich my life in ways currently unknown.

In the meantime, I'm still learning how to navigate the world of moms.

perspective at 2:00 in the morning

2009-11-07T06:26:00.000-08:00

Baby T isn't a great sleeper, during the day or night. We're often up 2-3 times during the night, which in itself isn't unreasonable for a 2 month old, but T struggles sleeping anywhere that doesn't involve mine or D's arms. There are times when at 2:00 in the morning it takes 1 1/2 hours to get him back into the crib. (For interest sake I have thought of co-sleeping but he is a noisy grunty baby!).

I've found that I am in general less willing to "complain" about the things that are hard about having an infant in the house. It's not that I feel like I'm not entitled to talk about the difficulties because we choose this and wanted it for so long, but rather I very clearly remember listening to many, many parents complain about what they found hard and the whole while I was thinking, "yes, it is hard, remember to enjoy your baby and be thankful that you have one."

At 2:00 in the morning while holding baby T, watching the minutes tick oh so slowly on the clock, I do acknowledge that it is hard, of course I would love it if he slept great on his own and didn't need holding for an hour...but mostly I love the fact that I have the great privilege of snuggling this beautiful boy who is my son. I know that this time will pass too quickly and soon he won't want to be held and rocked for hours on end. Soon he will be too big (ok, that is coming sooner rather than later!) to fit like a puzzle piece in my arms.

I waited for a really long time to have the opportunity to be up in the middle of the night with a baby, I will be realistic about the hard stuff but at the same time I feel so blessed to gaze into the dozing eyes of this ridiculously cute sweet pea...even at 2:00 in the morning.

car seat tipping

2009-10-21T14:31:00.000-07:00

When I was going through some low moments related to our infertility and dramatic adoption process I struggled with seeing families every where I went. This was a hard way to live since kids and moms are everywhere! Every time while in the grocery store I wanted to tip over all the car seats as a way to express my frustration! Of course I did not act on this thought...we likely wouldn't have been approved to adopt then!

I was struck the other day that I am now a part of the same club that I struggled with for all those years. Now when I'm in the grocery store with baby T are there any women present who would like to tip over my car seat? Likely there are.

I hurt knowing that I am now a part of what causes hurt for other women.

I'm not sure where to go with this except to continually be aware that there are many more "me's" still out there who long to have a family and for whatever reason are unable. To be sensitive to how much "family talk" I do when in groups. And to put myself out there and share my story so those who didn't need to give family planning a second thought become aware of and more sensitive to the rest of us.

i wished for you

2009-10-19T19:23:00.000-07:00

As a gift T received the book "I Wished for You: an adoption story" by Marianne Richmond. I wasn't familiar with this kids adoption book. I opened it up during the get together.

I read this page...

"Did you ever think," wondered Barley, "that your wish might not come true?"

"Oh yes..." said Mama, remembering how long the waiting seemed sometimes. "I wished for you through many phone calls...and through mountains of paperwork. I wished for you while I waited and waited...and waited."

and cried.

I love this book. The story includes sections on first moms and transracial families. While there are parts that I don't agree with like insinuating through the use of faith based language that the adopted child was "meant to be." But these parts are small and overall think the book is really good. T has heard it (while in a dozy state) many times already and I can now get through it without shedding a tear!

this mommy thing

2009-10-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking about this post for quite some time but I haven’t been completely sure how to articulate what I am feeling and thinking. I’m still not really sure. I’m a verbal processor much more than a thinker through writing. But I’m going to give it a try.

Many people have asked me how I am processing motherhood. The answer to this question is complex. I don’t feel like a mom. I mostly feel like a babysitter in an extended babysitting situation! I’m sure this whole phenomenon of not getting the mom thing right away is common for biological moms as well. I get that bonding and attachment are a process as is adjustment to a new life situation. But there’s more to my story because of how the adoption process weaved its way into my very core.

During a conversation with someone a few weeks ago I was able to clarify part of what I am feeling. I don’t feel as though I have earned the title of mother. Some have told me that I quite possibly have earned it more than others because of our journey (obviously this is not a competition). But I don’t feel it. I didn’t carry him for 9 months. Didn’t go through the nausea, weight gain, feel uncomfortable, have heartburn. And of course, I didn’t deliver him. To me all of these things are milestones, if you will, on the journey towards motherhood. It doesn’t mean that you are bonded instantly to your child after delivery but to me there a sense of entitlement. (By this I don’t mean ownership). My sense is that I feel this way because in general most people do build biological families and this is my frame of reference. In many ways I feel that J has earned her role as mother in T’s life far more than I have.

How many diapers do I need to change or how sleep deprived do I need to be to feel like I have earned this role?

I am also coming to realize how convinced I really was that I would never be a mom. Maybe not consciously considering we were actively pursuing adoption. But in my sub-conscious I was sure this would never happen. My brain knew that in all likelihood we would someday get picked by an expectant mom. But my heart knew that it would never happen. So now that I am a mom I feel like I’m living in a different dimension which requires me to shift my line of thinking and create a new paradigm. A new way of looking at the world. The world I knew was always about me not being a mom.

I’m now working at peeling back the layers so carefully placed on my heart. Those layers served an important function all those months…protection. Ridding myself of the protective layers is much easier said than done. We so quickly went from non-parents to parents. I’m still often shocked at everything that happened and can’t believe that the child in my house is really my son.

As I’m working through all these things I do know that baby T and I have bonded and are attaching. He knows my voice, calms in my arms, and locks eyes with me. He is adorable and an absolute blessing in our lives.

Baby T isn’t going anywhere. He is here to stay. On paper he is my son. I now need to believe it in my heart.

talking about race

2009-10-14T12:07:00.001-07:00

I recently saw this video about how to tell people they sound racist posted on A's blog A+A adopt a baby. I posted it here for your viewing pleasure as well.

more about God and adoption

2009-10-10T12:46:00.000-07:00

I was catching up on my blog reading and came across this interesting post called Oops, God Did It Again from Heather at Production Not Reproduction that I think needs to be shared.

Probably everyone by now has heard about the inept fertility clinic which transferred another couple's embryos into a woman, forcing her to choose between becoming an unintentional gestational surrogate or terminating the pregnancy. (She chose to continue the pregnancy and the resulting baby boy was handed to his genetic parents at birth.) Just a pretty crappy situation all the way around. Most coverage I've seen agrees that (a) both families deserve a lot of sympathy and (b) the people running that clinic are idiots..
Click here to continue reading...

the open adoption roundtable

2009-10-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

Where do you draw the lines--on your blog and in your personal life--and why? What, if anything, don't you tell?

I thought the question was interesting and something that I am currently working through in my personal life, more so than my blog, given that we just adopted baby T. How much of his story do I share with others? What do people need to know versus want to know?

I’ve read on blogs how some adoptive parents regret sharing as much information in the beginning as they did. And once it’s out there you can’t take it back. But yet at the same time I think there is room for sharing some of the story. To keep everything to ourselves creates more suspicion and mystery about adoption than needed. And as it is, there are already too many adoption related myths that we need to work to debunk. I feel that if I’m too secretive I’m not allowing some of those opportunities to be an educator for adoption reform to come into my life.

Some of the questions we’ve received since having T are interesting. But more often than not people want to know how old his birthmom is. It’s as if people are trying to validate her placing her child for adoption based on her age. If she is a teenager then it may be viewed more positively than if she is older. What many people don’t realize is that generally speaking teenagers decide to parent whereas many older mom’s decide on adoption depending on their specific situations*. This seems so odd to many people. But when you really stop to think about it there is some logic to this. Often teenagers have support from family to raise a child whereas a woman in her 20’s may be left to do it on her own with no or very little support from anyone. And with age comes a bit of wisdom and the realization of what parenthood really involves. I also think that with age there is an ability to look beyond ourselves at the bigger picture in life, the ability to take a hard look at our life situation and make certain decisions based on where we’re at. So we have shared J’s age, as she is older, and with the disclosing of that information we feel that we are able to work at debunking some of the myths surrounding first moms.

I guess ultimately we need to determine what part of the overall story is ours and what part is T’s. The parts that are his alone need to remain private until he can decide what he shares and to whom. It’s hardest to keep things private when friends and family ask because we want to involve them in our lives but in the end this is not about us. This is about baby T. We need to pay attention now, early on, to what we say and don’t say as this is the foundation we are laying and building upon.

*I realize that this is a generalization and each and every situation is different and unique.